Original post date - Wednesday, May 25, 2005
In the beginning there was...crap.

Good evening, folks, this is my first blog. I don't really even know what a blog is. It's a funny sounding word...kind of sounds like the noise your stomach makes after a long night of drinking but before you take that all so lovely and necessary first shit in the morning. You know what I'm talking about. But I digress.
The first blog:
As I write this I sit at a job that requires me to answer a phone and key limited information into a computer. I swear the freaking gorilla "Amy" from the movie Congo could do this job. But it does give me time to catch up on my correspondence. Well, ladies and genitalmen...Sunday is my best friend's little sister's engagement party. What does this mean? Well, since I have known her since she was about 5 years old, she is like my little sister, so it's pretty important. Also, since I'm 27, and all of my friends are either married or moving out of routine visiting distance, this means that it is one of the rare occasions that we can all hang out together. Which means World War .3 blood alcohol level. I mean, I may be kinda treading water in my life right now, professionally speaking. But as far as drinking, I set challenging goals for myself. This means a 12 pack of Miller and half a bottle of Jagermeister. Scheizen!! Yeah, I know. But how many times does someone get married? And the boys will all be there: ZestyItalian, Scuba, HosefAbromiwitz, HebrewHammer, BK and me (Woody). All will be with dates (wives or the girls they will probably marry) except for me...hmmm. Maybe that means something. I should probably keep a girl around longer than just to get her name and ask "Was that good for you? Yeah? Great, um, can you go get me taco bell before you go home?" Ok, so I'm not that bad (all the time) but I'm getting pretty close. Women complain that all men want to do is sleep with them. However, I seem to have no problem going home every other night with these same women. What are they thinking?!?! Are they really believing that if they sleep with me I will moved by their performance enough to deny all others and make them my bride. Ok, I'll be sure to get right on that!!! Don't get me wrong. I don't see all women in that light. There a few girls who I don't have sex with but hook up with and I am friends with them. I respect them. They know the deal, they're not deluded about anything that may happen and regardless of if we kiss or there is some serious suckage, the friendship stays intact and I know that they see other guys and that's ok. I don't know what that says about today's moral fabric, but meaningless, minor hook-ups with friends has got to be better that nameless, meaningless sex with someone "just because you wanted to christen the pool table."
I don't know. Maybe I'm jaded, maybe I follow the Coca-Cola theory: I have a product similar to many others on the market, but I believe mine to be superior in many ways. If you just try it, I'm sure you'll like it. If not, go drink a fucking pepsi...at least I got my fifty cents worth."