Original post date - Monday, June 06, 2005
Woody Hates Mondays (But he sure as shit loves Sundays!)

Alright, I think I have a problem. I regularly act like an ass and drink way too much with no regard for normal responsibility. But when your night consists of 2 places named The Dirty Dwarf and The Ugly Mug, you know the night's gonna end drenched in liquor and being punctual to work is not an option. Here's how it goes this past weekend:
I work on Saturday night at the club until 2:30 am. Get Taco Bell before I go to bed because I know I have to be up at 5:30am to go to work the next morning and I won't have time for a healthy breakfast. (come on, what's healthier than grade D ground beef and sour cream festering in your tummy for a few hours? Nothing if you ask me.) I go to bed around 3:30am, wake up at 5:30am and go to work, suffer from 6:30am until 2pm, then I go home. Get home, eat a steak (grade A beef festering in my tummy this time...yum) and lay down to take a nap. No sooner do I start to fall asleep and what happens? My phone rings and it's CDiddy. He is at a place in Lake Worth called the Dirty Dwarf. Yeah, that's what I said..."The Dirty Dwarf? What the hell is that?" (It's actually a really cool place. It's an English Pub type place and Sundays they offer something really special: happy hour from 4pm to 7pm & Kareoke from 6pm til you're too drunk to sing.) And Diddy making the invite. Hmmm. Folks, this what we call a crossroads in life. Some would say to go the safe way and say "no thanks" and go to sleep...it's crazy to keep partying on only 2 hours sleep. Others may try to push the envelope a bit. Me being the alcoholically-fueled uber-machine that I am, I put pants on and RSVP with a solid yes because it's not just about pushing the envelope, people, it's about filling the envelope with jager, drinking it and eating the liquor soaked envelope afterwards. I walk into the place (remarkably clean for having the word "Dirty" in it's title) and I am greated by a jubilant CDiddy and a beer. There is an interesting tapestry on the wall that appears to be of 4 "wisemen" being fondled and just generally sexually harassed by 4 skeletons...at least that's how Diddy and me interpreted it. I don't have enough time to go into how fucking awesome this picture is. It rules so hard. I am informed that there will be a crew heading down there shortly and it's gonna get ugly. Uh-oh. We begin consuming beer at an alarming rate. There is about 8 of us at first and we are on a bit of a mission. Then the kareoke starts. Diddy kick-starts it off with a rousing rendition of "Hurts So Good" which is followed by one of his friends who could pass for Spike Jones in the "Praise You" video. Spike left rock and roll alone for starters and belted out what could only be described as half touching/half inappropriate touching version of "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera. When my turn comes around, I want to pay homage to Will Ferrell doing Robert Goulet doing "These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things" (if you have the DVD, it's in the extras when he was on Conan, if you don't have the DVD, go get it...it'll change your life). However, when time came to sing it, the words weren't as I remembered. At first I thought maybe I didn't know the right words, but turns out it wasn't even the right song. I ended up doing "So Long, Farewell" from The Sound Of Music. Well, like a fat kid running down hill, I couldn't stop, so I just tried to rock it as hard as I could...and I did. I mean fierce -like bear cock, bitches. There were a few other notable performances, Spike doing Journey-"Don't Stop Believing", CDiddy doing Rick Springfield-"Jesse's Girl." It's now late and since I wanted to leave, Diddy and I get the check. The waitress tells us she is only gonna charge us for half the beers -a little extended happy hour special. She comes back to tell us we are being charged for 47 beers. For those of you who did poorly in math, that means we drank 94 beers. Interesting. Between 8 of us. Hmm. That doesn't include shots. Let's just say that although it's an English Pub, we drank German shots. I left around 10:30pm with every intention of going home and going to sleep. Then my phone rang. This girl I had met at the club on Friday night, wicked hot with an ass you could set a drink on...not a fat ass mind you, but the way she could pooch it out with that curve of her back...mmm....dammit that's hot! She calls around 11:00pm, she's hungry and wants me to meet her for a drink and a bite to eat at the Ugly Mug. Now I am giving myself a curfew of 12:30am because I have to be at work in the morning at 6:30am and I still have only gotten 2 hours sleep. Well, that shit went right out the window. I already had a nice buzz, and now I had access to more beer at wholesale prices, and access to the smokin hot chick that I described previously. 12:30 came and went without even an asshole's chance in prison of me going home. Pool, shots, more pool, more shots, beers, pool, shots, a philly cheesesteak, beer, beer, some making out and it's 4am. Crap. I have to go. Get home around 4:30-ish (I think...I tend to lose track of time when I'm drunk). Sleep right through my alarm and remarkably get up at 7:45 to get to work around 8:30. Not bad. However, right now I feel like a jar of smashed assholes. I have had 12 hours sleep since Friday morning, it's fucking Monday AND I still have 2 hours left of work. I hate Mondays.