Original post date - Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Woody's Random Thoughts

NWA:

You may not like the was they were communicated, but NWA had some really good thoughts. Allow me to enlighten those of you who spent the 80's and 90's listening to Michael Bolton and Richard Marx.-"Fuck The Police?" Who doesn't agree with that? You get a speeding ticket, what do you say? You don't say, "Oh, well, I broke the law and I deserve it. Please cram a $250 fine up my brown eye." No, you say "God Dammit!! Fuckin' police!" And let's say you're at a red light and you see a cop roll up and put his lights and run it....there ain't no emergency, he just didn't want to wait at the light so he flipped his lights on and said "Ha, ha! Bitches! I'm runnin it and you can't do anything about it so sit on your thumb and smile." But if we run it, nooooo, we get a freakin' ticket. Well, fuck the police. You go, Easy-E. Preach on, Ice Cube! -"She Swallowed It." Ok, so 93 percent of the lyrics may offend 87 percent of the population, but the general idea "don't matter just don't bite it..." rings true for all of us. I mean, come on ladies, fellas...I think you'll all agree that no biting below the waste is a good rule to have. -"Straight Outta Compton" Ok, I don't know what the message is with that one 'cause they just kinda curse a lot. But I know that if I lived in Compton, I sure as shit would be moving straight out. So I gotta agree with that one, too.

What Are Men Thinking?:

Ok, I need to talk about something here. Guys, what are we thinking with some of our dialogue with women? I was discussing a situation with Lumpy that happened with his wife before they got married. They had just moved in together and her old college basketball coach from Maine was down visiting and wanted to meet up with her for dinner. Now this was a guy who she looked up to almost like a father figure, and she would never cheat, so Lumpy wasn't worried. But when they got to dinner, Coach was acting a little funny. He started telling her that he had always been attracted to her, etc. Ok, acceptable, even though she was not interested. But, instead of accepting his defeat and leaving the idea alone, he decides a more agressive aproach. He stops mid-conversation and agonizingly tells her (in a super thick New England accent) "Oh Jeeze, I'm haaard!! It's wicked hard, baby, come on!!" Now this freaks her out and she leaves. Ok, bad situation averted on her part, he's left there looking like a freak. Now let's get to the point: What was he thinking?!?! "It's hard!?!?" What in his mind made him think that telling her abot his erection was gonna entice her? Guys, when talking to a girl, unless you are actually being intimate AND you know she likes dirty talk...most women don't want to think about your stiff peter. It amazes me some of the things I hear guys say. Thank goodness there isn't another option after men and lesbianism, or they'd stop talking to us all together. Dammit we say some stupid shit. I can't lie, I'm guilty, too. When I've had a few drinks (that should read: excessively drunk), I've been known to inquire if a girl likes pork products, if she likes her donuts glazed and if so can I glaze them, or, and this one is a doozey: if I can french kiss her dumpsite (yeah, almost been slapped a few times for that one). That actually brings up another thought:

Worst Pick Up Line Ever:

-I used to have a theory that if you said something so out of the ordanary, it would give you an idea of what kind of girl you are talking to. I.E. Can I french kiss your dumpsite? Not every day someone asks to get orally acquainted with your hiney. If a girl says "eww" and storms away, she probably doesn't have a sense of humor or is easily offended and doesn't want to talk to you...not the kind of girl I look for. If a girl laughs, she probably has a slightly skewed sense of humor and we may get along. If she really digs it, then she is a dirty girl...proceed at your own risk, she may call your bluff and expect you to make out with her patoot.. Either way, you have just characterized the girl you are hitting on with 1 line. ---FYI: Use caution with this line. As I said, I have ALMOST been slapped before. You have to watch out for the bitchy friend or the drunk, over-zealous girl looking to send a message to other guys, because that may get you that slap. But it's a new aproach and a little unorthodox. Don't be afraid to think outside the box while you are pursuing it.