More like Sub-Par Bowl, right? (*fart noise*)

Ok, so it wasn't the week long, record-setting spectacle that Jerry Jones and the NFL envisioned. After a week of crappy weather, piss-poor planning (1200 paying fans lost their seats just hours before the game because of the temporary seating had not yet been approved by fire marshals), and anticipation of how the Black Guy Pees would do at halftime (hint: it was shitty), the Super Bowl finally kicked off.

The game itself, though oft-interrupted by a mostly average collection of commercials, was not bad.

Jumping out to a quick lead, the Green Bay Packers forced 3 turnovers and their defense held off the unwanted advances of Ben Roethlisberger & the Steelers to take home their 1st championship since Brett Favre & his penis texted their way to victory in 1996.

The pre-game and half time festivities, however, left much to be desired. That's a polite way of saying they were excruciatingly painful to watch.

It was like someone crammed three screaming, screeching, angry monkeys into the enormous, gaping anal cavity of a diarrhea-afflicted sumo wrestler, and then each one of them was disturbingly shat back out for our viewing displeasure, one disgustingly unpleasant, audible turd-pie at a time.

The chick from Glee sang "America the Beautiful". I would have rather heard Ray Charles sing it. I know he's dead. I'm assuming it still would've sounded better.

Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem. Or at least some of it. Apparently, being a new mommy has hindered her ability to memorize a song with only 8 lines. But at least her kid gets to have his mommy sing half-assed versions of night time lullabies to him. "Rock a bye baby, down the tree falls, the cradle will break, and down will come baby, the home of the brave! Good night, sweetheart."
Last, and certainly least, Fergie, Will i. am, Lou Diamond Phillips's cousin Kip Diamond Phillips (seriously, those dudes gotta be related) and a 4th guy took the stage for the Half Time Woodstock-of-Horseshit.

(See? Told you they could be related)

What they did on that stage can only be classified as a hate crime against music. If I was a proper musician, I'd be pressing charges and visiting the cast of Las & Order: SVU to get my musical vagina checked out. Usher & Slash should also be brought in for questioning as accomplices in the case of date-raping the ear-holes of millions.

But, once you looked past all the malarkey, the game itself was actually decent, if not ridiculously long due to the extended commercial breaks.

I could do with less movie trailers and more dogs playing poker and such. In the mean time, hurry up, NFL, and get your shit together. You need to work out a labor agreement before next year so we're not stuck with bowling, the WNBA & arena league football. Plus, don't you need to book next year's half time show starring Justin Beiber and the next American Idol?

P.S. Sweet Jesus, I am kidding about the Beiber. Please do not make that happen.