Original post date - Thursday, June 09, 2005
More of Woody's Random Thoughts...
First, An Apology:
A friend of mine was not feeling very well yesterday, a little upset tummy. Also, her ex-boyfriend was being a dick, so she called me at 11:30 pm, while I was at a show for the Sloppy Highfives, for a little cheering up (non-sexual, you dirty minded pigs). Well, being the friend that I am, I left the show early and went to her house. Before you go thinking I am a nice guy underneath all this rough exterior, I will inform you that the only reason I went was because she had leftover pizza. I cheered her up and at the end of our talk I closed it up with this statement which I will now apologize for: "Hey, it could always be worse. You could have rectal cancer or even worse, you could be Vanilla Ice." Not to infer that people with rectal cancer are as bad as Vanilla Ice. Obviously, I would never want to offend people with cancer. Especially that of the rectum. They have it bad enough without being placed in the same company as Vanilla Ice. This being said, I apologize to you all. Word to your mother, baby, too cold, too cold.
Hot Best Friends:
So, it was a friend of mine's birthday yesterday. Great girl. Beautiful. I love her to death. Got me to thinking...there's a reason most guys can't be friends with a girl without wanting to have sex with her. And that reason is because it sucks. Guys are predisposed to wanting the sex - it's our nature, we hump. Like rabbits. It's especially difficult if she is hot, as is the case with my friend. Now, I have gotten over the "never gonna hook-up" phase with my friend and we are now just friends. But what about all those other guys who have chick friends who are hot that are never gonna get to hook-up? I equate it to going to a job interview every day knowing you will never get hired. You love the company, and they love you, would love to hire you, but they're not going to. Instead, they are going to keep interviewing other applicants, some of whom have already done the job once and been fired for being shitty at it. Then they are going to tell you about every person who is not as qualified as you are and how they wish they would meet an applicant like you. But, alas, you will never get hired. This is what it is like being friends with a hot chick. Ladies, do guys a favor. Give us a test drive. A courtesy bang, if you will. Something! You never know, that guy who is your sorta-dorky-best-friend might be hung like a moose and be really awesome in bed. Kinda like when you are not sure if you like a car...give it a test drive. What if you really like the way it handles? What if you never thought you'd drive a stick, until you tried it and really enjoyed the overall performance of the vehicle? Dammit, ladies, come on. If you love your friends, you will do them this favor. And if it's bad, blame it on being drunk and go back to being friends. If you are really that close, it won't ruin anything. Trust me, I know from experience.
Foreign People Are Funny:
(Warning - May Be Offensive to Everyone)
Ever been called a fag? Ever been asked by someone if they could bum a fag? If you are an American, "Bumming a Fag" is going to inspire a potentially unwanted visual immage and could possebly offend or, worse, confuse. However, if you are from Great Brittain, it means you want a borrow a smoke. Which leads me wonder...they have got to know by now that "fag" means "homosexual", or if you are a frat guy, "Butt Pirate." And yet they still use it. Puzzling. You would think they'd fall in line and update their terminology just to be polite. Most people don't use the word "niggardly" and that has no racial denotation what so ever...it means "grudging and petty, scanty or meager." But because it sounds kinda rude, most people stopped using it. So come on, England, do all the freakin' fags a favor and just ask for a cigarette.Also, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but why do a lot of nationalities smell? I realize showering may not be a daily occurance in your homeland, pal, but in America, we do it all the time, sometimes multiple times a day. Come on, when in Rome, do as the Romans! I'll make a deal with every smelly immigrant...if I go to your country and it's customary to only bathe once a week, then color me stinky! I'll bathe once a week. Shit, you can even call me Pigpen. But while your here and using crowded elevators with us daily bathers, please, do us all a favor...wash your ass and crotch every day. You'll make more friends, people will want to talk to you, and your significant other may even go down on you. So say "NO" to that B.O. and take a shower. It makes the world a better place.This is more something Americans do when they speak to foreigners than something they do that is funny. Why is it that when someone doesn't speak English, we assume that speaking louder will somehow make the translation easier? My mom is guilty of this offense. We had a lady who would come over to clean the house, and she spoke Portugese. My mom, who did not, would instead yell "El cleano el tabelo!" or "Moppo los flooro!" hoping the extra volume would beat it's way into her brain and she would make the connection. FYI people: Increased volume is not proportionate to increased understanding. If that were the case, people would yell at foreigners all day long...hey, wait a minute, I DO yell at foreigners all day long. But that's because I hate everybody. But I digress. How about, in my mom's case, learning a phrase or two in that language and then teaching her in English so she learns. She may only know "clean the tables and floors" as her only English words, but at least I don't have my mom yelling broken gibberish at the top of her lungs scarring the hell out of the poor cleaning lady.
Fake Boobs:
Ok, so I broke up with this girl a month or so ago and she had fake boobs. Yeah, they looked nice and all, but the feel...well, it was kinda like feeling up two unripened oranges with nipples. I mean, dammit, why with all the technology in the world do we not have better fake boobs?!?! We can send a man to the moon and back but we can't figure out how to give him real-feeling boobs when he gets back? Salene and silicone are our only options? How about rubber cement? That stuff hardens and is nice and squishy. What about Jell-O? There's always room for Jell-O, plus we could get Bill Cosby doing commercials for fake boobs! How awesome would that be? Hell, I got an idea: how about that stuff they use as gel mouse pads? You know, those gel-like squishy things? They don't leak because they aren't liquid and they feel exactly like real boobs! I mean exactly! Ever sit there and just squeeze one of them things? Jeeze, now that I think about it, it's no wonder men download so much porn...every time we sit at a computer we have a freakin' fake boob in our hand!Which leads me to this final thought: Porn on the NetI've said it before and I'll say it again. There is nothing wrong with porn on the internet. If they take all the porn off of the internet, there will be one site left and that will be "BringBackThePorn.Com"
More of Woody's Random Thoughts...
First, An Apology:
A friend of mine was not feeling very well yesterday, a little upset tummy. Also, her ex-boyfriend was being a dick, so she called me at 11:30 pm, while I was at a show for the Sloppy Highfives, for a little cheering up (non-sexual, you dirty minded pigs). Well, being the friend that I am, I left the show early and went to her house. Before you go thinking I am a nice guy underneath all this rough exterior, I will inform you that the only reason I went was because she had leftover pizza. I cheered her up and at the end of our talk I closed it up with this statement which I will now apologize for: "Hey, it could always be worse. You could have rectal cancer or even worse, you could be Vanilla Ice." Not to infer that people with rectal cancer are as bad as Vanilla Ice. Obviously, I would never want to offend people with cancer. Especially that of the rectum. They have it bad enough without being placed in the same company as Vanilla Ice. This being said, I apologize to you all. Word to your mother, baby, too cold, too cold.
Hot Best Friends:
So, it was a friend of mine's birthday yesterday. Great girl. Beautiful. I love her to death. Got me to thinking...there's a reason most guys can't be friends with a girl without wanting to have sex with her. And that reason is because it sucks. Guys are predisposed to wanting the sex - it's our nature, we hump. Like rabbits. It's especially difficult if she is hot, as is the case with my friend. Now, I have gotten over the "never gonna hook-up" phase with my friend and we are now just friends. But what about all those other guys who have chick friends who are hot that are never gonna get to hook-up? I equate it to going to a job interview every day knowing you will never get hired. You love the company, and they love you, would love to hire you, but they're not going to. Instead, they are going to keep interviewing other applicants, some of whom have already done the job once and been fired for being shitty at it. Then they are going to tell you about every person who is not as qualified as you are and how they wish they would meet an applicant like you. But, alas, you will never get hired. This is what it is like being friends with a hot chick. Ladies, do guys a favor. Give us a test drive. A courtesy bang, if you will. Something! You never know, that guy who is your sorta-dorky-best-friend might be hung like a moose and be really awesome in bed. Kinda like when you are not sure if you like a car...give it a test drive. What if you really like the way it handles? What if you never thought you'd drive a stick, until you tried it and really enjoyed the overall performance of the vehicle? Dammit, ladies, come on. If you love your friends, you will do them this favor. And if it's bad, blame it on being drunk and go back to being friends. If you are really that close, it won't ruin anything. Trust me, I know from experience.
Foreign People Are Funny:
(Warning - May Be Offensive to Everyone)
Ever been called a fag? Ever been asked by someone if they could bum a fag? If you are an American, "Bumming a Fag" is going to inspire a potentially unwanted visual immage and could possebly offend or, worse, confuse. However, if you are from Great Brittain, it means you want a borrow a smoke. Which leads me wonder...they have got to know by now that "fag" means "homosexual", or if you are a frat guy, "Butt Pirate." And yet they still use it. Puzzling. You would think they'd fall in line and update their terminology just to be polite. Most people don't use the word "niggardly" and that has no racial denotation what so ever...it means "grudging and petty, scanty or meager." But because it sounds kinda rude, most people stopped using it. So come on, England, do all the freakin' fags a favor and just ask for a cigarette.Also, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but why do a lot of nationalities smell? I realize showering may not be a daily occurance in your homeland, pal, but in America, we do it all the time, sometimes multiple times a day. Come on, when in Rome, do as the Romans! I'll make a deal with every smelly immigrant...if I go to your country and it's customary to only bathe once a week, then color me stinky! I'll bathe once a week. Shit, you can even call me Pigpen. But while your here and using crowded elevators with us daily bathers, please, do us all a favor...wash your ass and crotch every day. You'll make more friends, people will want to talk to you, and your significant other may even go down on you. So say "NO" to that B.O. and take a shower. It makes the world a better place.This is more something Americans do when they speak to foreigners than something they do that is funny. Why is it that when someone doesn't speak English, we assume that speaking louder will somehow make the translation easier? My mom is guilty of this offense. We had a lady who would come over to clean the house, and she spoke Portugese. My mom, who did not, would instead yell "El cleano el tabelo!" or "Moppo los flooro!" hoping the extra volume would beat it's way into her brain and she would make the connection. FYI people: Increased volume is not proportionate to increased understanding. If that were the case, people would yell at foreigners all day long...hey, wait a minute, I DO yell at foreigners all day long. But that's because I hate everybody. But I digress. How about, in my mom's case, learning a phrase or two in that language and then teaching her in English so she learns. She may only know "clean the tables and floors" as her only English words, but at least I don't have my mom yelling broken gibberish at the top of her lungs scarring the hell out of the poor cleaning lady.
Fake Boobs:
Ok, so I broke up with this girl a month or so ago and she had fake boobs. Yeah, they looked nice and all, but the feel...well, it was kinda like feeling up two unripened oranges with nipples. I mean, dammit, why with all the technology in the world do we not have better fake boobs?!?! We can send a man to the moon and back but we can't figure out how to give him real-feeling boobs when he gets back? Salene and silicone are our only options? How about rubber cement? That stuff hardens and is nice and squishy. What about Jell-O? There's always room for Jell-O, plus we could get Bill Cosby doing commercials for fake boobs! How awesome would that be? Hell, I got an idea: how about that stuff they use as gel mouse pads? You know, those gel-like squishy things? They don't leak because they aren't liquid and they feel exactly like real boobs! I mean exactly! Ever sit there and just squeeze one of them things? Jeeze, now that I think about it, it's no wonder men download so much porn...every time we sit at a computer we have a freakin' fake boob in our hand!Which leads me to this final thought: Porn on the NetI've said it before and I'll say it again. There is nothing wrong with porn on the internet. If they take all the porn off of the internet, there will be one site left and that will be "BringBackThePorn.Com"
posted by Woody at
10:12 AM
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