Original post date - Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Woody's Weekend Gets Good...Then Really, Really Bad.
Well, what can I say? Even Sam Malone had a bad day when heworked at Cheers, right? Well, this weekend was awesome and ultimately shitty all rolled into one big Awesome-Shitty Combo Burrito.
Saturday night was a good one at the club. We made a lot of money and put on a great show. There were a lot of girls there, many of whom were quite attractive and of course I was going out after work. Now, being the responsible adult that I am, I rode with a co-worker to the bar after leaving work because I was planning on drinking...a lot...and I didn't want to have to worry about my car. I'd just come get it the next morning like I had done many times before. We show up at the Ugly Mug and it's good right off the bat. There's a bunch of people there from the club earlier as well as a few of my friends. I proceed to get drunk and towards the end of the night, I get a text from GoodGirl, you may know from an earlier story, and she wants hook up. She tells me "I won't make you leave your friends, let's just go do it in the parking lot in my car, then you can come back in and hang out with your friends." Now, I'm not a dirty whore and I am not into sex in cars and I tell her this.
So we're doing it in her car...and it's good. She's getting into it and wants to go back to my house. I'm not sure because I didn't even tell my friends I was going out side. She tries to convince me with the following: "I'll let you do anything you want." Oh, come on!! That is not fair! Girls, you should not be allowed to use sex against us!! If we had women mediators, there would be no war, they could just offer sex to world leaders and all those guys would go home peacefully. Well, again, I try to be a good boy and I tell her that I am not a whore and I'm not interested in her offer.
So we're back at my house engaging in a rousing round of "sit on the pickle" on my billiards table. In my drunkenness, I turned on both the TV and the stereo. While turning on the TV, I was aiming for probably MTV, VH1 or comedy central, because they are all in the 70's, but somehow I landed on the religion channel. It's bad enough that I'm doing the humpty dance with this girl, but I'm doing it while the church channel is on. And since I've been drinking, I'm going energizer bunny style. She has had her moment in the sun, and wants me to cum. At this point, I am so tired and drunk, I am contemplating faking it...until she says "what can I do to make you cum?" Oh, now that's beautiful. Well, I rack my brain for something that's gonna work and I decide to roll the dice. Long story short, I convince her to attempt the Holy Grail of sexual encounters for men. We get all kinds of lotion and lube and after two attempts, I am told that it will not fit. Apparently, guys, there is such as thing as too big. If you're still not following, let's just say don't try to move your super-sleeper couch into your house through the back door. Well, she is a creative girl and to keep this R, instead of NC-17, I will skip the rest and tell you that I didn't have to fake it.
Now on to the next morning. My roommate drives me to my car and as we pull up he asks me if my window was always like that. Oh shit. You know, there is a reason people drive drunk and her it is: When you leave your car somewhere, it's very likely that a bunch of fucking crack heads will break in, steal $700 in CD's, a back-pack, your favorite sunglasses, a CD walkman, rip out your entire dash center console...oh, and steal your radio. Yep. Oh, and they smashed out the window in the back door to get into the car in the first place so I also have a smashed window to worry about. Yeah, now that's a good weekend gone shitty in about 3.9 seconds. Oh, and don't think for a second that the irony was lost on me. At the very moment I was attempting to drive northbound on the Hershey highway, I, too was being violated...and how did the perpetrators enter...through my back door. Oh sweet irony. I guess that's what I get for trying to stick it in the holiest of holy's while the church channel is on, huh? Boy, Jesus, you got a funny way of teaching a guy a lesson.
Woody's Weekend Gets Good...Then Really, Really Bad.
Well, what can I say? Even Sam Malone had a bad day when heworked at Cheers, right? Well, this weekend was awesome and ultimately shitty all rolled into one big Awesome-Shitty Combo Burrito.
Saturday night was a good one at the club. We made a lot of money and put on a great show. There were a lot of girls there, many of whom were quite attractive and of course I was going out after work. Now, being the responsible adult that I am, I rode with a co-worker to the bar after leaving work because I was planning on drinking...a lot...and I didn't want to have to worry about my car. I'd just come get it the next morning like I had done many times before. We show up at the Ugly Mug and it's good right off the bat. There's a bunch of people there from the club earlier as well as a few of my friends. I proceed to get drunk and towards the end of the night, I get a text from GoodGirl, you may know from an earlier story, and she wants hook up. She tells me "I won't make you leave your friends, let's just go do it in the parking lot in my car, then you can come back in and hang out with your friends." Now, I'm not a dirty whore and I am not into sex in cars and I tell her this.
So we're doing it in her car...and it's good. She's getting into it and wants to go back to my house. I'm not sure because I didn't even tell my friends I was going out side. She tries to convince me with the following: "I'll let you do anything you want." Oh, come on!! That is not fair! Girls, you should not be allowed to use sex against us!! If we had women mediators, there would be no war, they could just offer sex to world leaders and all those guys would go home peacefully. Well, again, I try to be a good boy and I tell her that I am not a whore and I'm not interested in her offer.
So we're back at my house engaging in a rousing round of "sit on the pickle" on my billiards table. In my drunkenness, I turned on both the TV and the stereo. While turning on the TV, I was aiming for probably MTV, VH1 or comedy central, because they are all in the 70's, but somehow I landed on the religion channel. It's bad enough that I'm doing the humpty dance with this girl, but I'm doing it while the church channel is on. And since I've been drinking, I'm going energizer bunny style. She has had her moment in the sun, and wants me to cum. At this point, I am so tired and drunk, I am contemplating faking it...until she says "what can I do to make you cum?" Oh, now that's beautiful. Well, I rack my brain for something that's gonna work and I decide to roll the dice. Long story short, I convince her to attempt the Holy Grail of sexual encounters for men. We get all kinds of lotion and lube and after two attempts, I am told that it will not fit. Apparently, guys, there is such as thing as too big. If you're still not following, let's just say don't try to move your super-sleeper couch into your house through the back door. Well, she is a creative girl and to keep this R, instead of NC-17, I will skip the rest and tell you that I didn't have to fake it.
Now on to the next morning. My roommate drives me to my car and as we pull up he asks me if my window was always like that. Oh shit. You know, there is a reason people drive drunk and her it is: When you leave your car somewhere, it's very likely that a bunch of fucking crack heads will break in, steal $700 in CD's, a back-pack, your favorite sunglasses, a CD walkman, rip out your entire dash center console...oh, and steal your radio. Yep. Oh, and they smashed out the window in the back door to get into the car in the first place so I also have a smashed window to worry about. Yeah, now that's a good weekend gone shitty in about 3.9 seconds. Oh, and don't think for a second that the irony was lost on me. At the very moment I was attempting to drive northbound on the Hershey highway, I, too was being violated...and how did the perpetrators enter...through my back door. Oh sweet irony. I guess that's what I get for trying to stick it in the holiest of holy's while the church channel is on, huh? Boy, Jesus, you got a funny way of teaching a guy a lesson.
posted by Woody at
10:06 AM
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