Can't See The Dairy Queen For The Trees!
I have a big problem with all these cities & towns that are so concerned with looking quaint & beautiful that they pass laws to beautify in spite of function. For example, Coral Springs & Boca Raton, Florida are flooded with vanilla-looking, cookie-cutter strip malls, they do not allow neon signs, signs over a certain height, etc.
Boca doesn't even allow car dealerships, and certainly not nudie bars. But that's not where my problem lies. I can go to another town if I want to see nude women or buy a car or buy a car from a nude woman.
No, my problem lies in the fact that today I wanted a milkshake. Yep, that's all. I just wanted a milkshake. And I couldn't get one. "Why?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you. Its because there aren't any God damned signs for places of business in Coral Springs unless they're on the buildings themselves. And Dairy Queen is no exception! So I couldn't find the damn place!! (side note: doesn't that sound like a great name for a Gay Kingpin of the Milk Business? I bet there would be some serious mafia wars between the Dairy Queen and the Cheese Queer. But ANYWAY...)
So where was I? Oh, right...not a big deal, right? Well, it wouldn't be if I could see the friggin' building! They planted trees along all the main roads so if you want to read a storefront sign you gotta drive 20 mph and try to peek through the trees, all the while the people behind you are honking at you to speed up and flicking you off as they speed by! And the people in front of you, unbeknownst to them, are in serious peril of being rear-ended, because you're not looking where you're going! Oh no! You gotta look in the bushes for the stupid Dairy Queen in the strip mall that looks exactly like every other strip mall along that 10 mile strip of road!
I knew about where the Dairy Queen was, but because of all the trees and that whole "no sign" thing, I couldn't find it. Its horse shit! If I was a small business owner, I would not stand for it. No wonder we have homeless guys with signs everywhere!! There aren't any big, obnoxious neon signs anymore to tell me where shit is, so I need some drunk hobo who doesn't speak English to point in the general direction of the shit I'm looking for!!
In the meantime, I settled for a 1lb bag of peanut butter M&Ms and a diet Dew. A weak substitute at best. So, if you're out tonight and you happen to have a milkshake and I happen to see you through the trees....watch out. I just might take that shit.
I have a big problem with all these cities & towns that are so concerned with looking quaint & beautiful that they pass laws to beautify in spite of function. For example, Coral Springs & Boca Raton, Florida are flooded with vanilla-looking, cookie-cutter strip malls, they do not allow neon signs, signs over a certain height, etc.
Boca doesn't even allow car dealerships, and certainly not nudie bars. But that's not where my problem lies. I can go to another town if I want to see nude women or buy a car or buy a car from a nude woman.
No, my problem lies in the fact that today I wanted a milkshake. Yep, that's all. I just wanted a milkshake. And I couldn't get one. "Why?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you. Its because there aren't any God damned signs for places of business in Coral Springs unless they're on the buildings themselves. And Dairy Queen is no exception! So I couldn't find the damn place!! (side note: doesn't that sound like a great name for a Gay Kingpin of the Milk Business? I bet there would be some serious mafia wars between the Dairy Queen and the Cheese Queer. But ANYWAY...)
So where was I? Oh, right...not a big deal, right? Well, it wouldn't be if I could see the friggin' building! They planted trees along all the main roads so if you want to read a storefront sign you gotta drive 20 mph and try to peek through the trees, all the while the people behind you are honking at you to speed up and flicking you off as they speed by! And the people in front of you, unbeknownst to them, are in serious peril of being rear-ended, because you're not looking where you're going! Oh no! You gotta look in the bushes for the stupid Dairy Queen in the strip mall that looks exactly like every other strip mall along that 10 mile strip of road!
I knew about where the Dairy Queen was, but because of all the trees and that whole "no sign" thing, I couldn't find it. Its horse shit! If I was a small business owner, I would not stand for it. No wonder we have homeless guys with signs everywhere!! There aren't any big, obnoxious neon signs anymore to tell me where shit is, so I need some drunk hobo who doesn't speak English to point in the general direction of the shit I'm looking for!!
In the meantime, I settled for a 1lb bag of peanut butter M&Ms and a diet Dew. A weak substitute at best. So, if you're out tonight and you happen to have a milkshake and I happen to see you through the trees....watch out. I just might take that shit.
posted by Woody at
5:14 PM
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