Northern Exposure

It is a sad, sad day here in New England. The beloved, and once mighty and proud Patriots are just a group of sad, depressed, limp dick Super Bowl losers.
Oh well. Let's move on.
I am here in Maine, the northeastern-est state in the country! I came up here to work with Brad (Lumpy) at his plumbing company. Yes, I am enjoying it. No, I do not have a plumber's crack yet. I don't think I have the "physique" necessary to develop one; though I have been a victim of Brad's on occasion.
I've also noticed quite a few funny things since I've been here, so I thought I'd share some of those.
Maine has the toughest DUI laws of any state in the union. However, they do not seem to be very effective, as they also have the highest DUI rate per capita of any state in the Union. Go figure.
To assist in bringing down the number of DUI's, they do absolutely nothing at all, by selling not just beer in most gas stations and grocery stores, but hard liquor as well.
So you can fill up your tank with unleaded, and get rip-roaring tanked with Jack Daniels at the same time. Dangerous, yet convenient.
On the job site I am currently working, a guy was sent home for showing up intoxicated. Not just a little tipsy, but word-slurringly, fucked-right-sideways drunk. At 8:00 am. On a Monday morning.
In his defense, it was Martin Luther King Day, so maybe he was thinking he wasn't gonna have to work, so he had 30 or so cocktails with breakfast, and got surprised when the boss called and said to come in. But, then again, maybe he's just a raging alcoholic.
Raging alcoholic is probably the more accurate answer. I'm not making any accusations that Mainers drink a lot, but I stopped at a convenience store on my way to work at 7:30 am the other day, and the guy in front of me, dressed in a shirt & tie, bought the following items:
-a blue-berry nutra-grain bar
-a banana
-two 16oz. Budweiser tallboys
Well, at least he was wearing a tie.
Lumpy and I were talking to a guy today who's from "up north", which means he's basically from Canada. He said the girls up there are a masculine, down-to-earth type, not concerned with make up, fashion, modern dentistry, or waist size. He also, mentioned a few pick up lines:
"Hey there, sugar.....thats a lovely tooth you got there....wanna wrestle?"
And:
"Excuse me for noticing, but for a girl your size, you sure don't sweat as much as I expected.....wanna hunt moose?"
The level of "freedom of speech" is interesting. Everyone curses. At stores, restaurants, bars, in houses, in businesses, probably in churches ("Jesus Fuckin' Christ was so wicked awesome, if you don't praise Him, you gotta be retahrded or some shit!).
Also, apparently, the FCC doesn't know about Maine. Just the other morning, on the radio, I heard the following joke:
"Did you hear about the big fight at the gay bar last night? They went outside and exchanged blows."
Funny? Sure. Offensive to homosexuals? You bet! But since there aren't any here, they can get away with it. There also aren't too many people here with complexions darker than mine. Yes, I can count on 1 hand the number of black people I've seen in the town I live in. I saw three latin guys the other day, but they drove up from Mass for the week. I heard a rumor about a Jew somewhere outside of town, but no one's actually seen him, so we're not sure if its true.
I don't think its so lacking in ethnic diversity because of racism. I think its that there isn't anything to attract anyone foreign or of foreign decent, so they just don't come here.
Whatever the reason, I have to say I've never been so happy to turn on a radio and not hear anyone screaming "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, IT'S YA BOY AT THE CLUB, ITS GOIN' DOWN THIS WEEKEND, YA HERRRRD ME?!?!"
The music stations play rock, modern rock, classic rock, soft rock, soft classic rock, alternative rock, and then there is a country station and a blues station. I think theres a station that plays some pop, but they mix it in with adult contemporary rock, so its not so bad. And I think its required by the state that all radio stations play at least 47 Led Zeppelin songs a day. They freakin' love their Led Zep wicked hard!
Anyway, I live in a 3 bedroom house on a lake. About 25 feet from the lake, actually. We have a dock and a (currently frozen) private beach. And the second floor has a wrap-around deck. I won't lie, its pretty awesome.
If anyone wants to visit, we're about 5 minutes off Federal Highway/US 1, so just get on US 1, and go north for 2 days. Then make a left. Go over the train tracks that have no guard rail and no warning lights whatsoever (Why am I the only person worried about this? Railroad Safety is a huge issue affecting America and trains are big and dangerous!!!).....we're the last house on the street.....13.
So come on out and stop by.....see you soon!