The 2007 Grammy Awards

The 2007 Grammy Awards took place tonight and they had a little something for everybody. I'll start off saying that as I write this, I'm stuffed up like hell, and we're getting a mini-blizzard, so I'm a little grumpy. That means I'm not sugar-coating anything, only my honest opinion. Here goes.
The show started off well enough...Morris Day and the mother fucking Time, singing Jungle Love. I swear, Morris Day and his smooth pimp-man-servant Jerome should be national heroes. They were doing just fine, then the producers decided to toss in a song about umbrellas and it basically went down hill. What the hell is she doing on stage? She wasn't in Purple Rain!! My friend Chuck Deuce said it right when I got this text: "this stupid fuckin' whore ruined everything." Well said, Deuce.
Think about this...a song about an umbrella won a grammy. What has happened to pop music? I remember when Jermaine Stewart was telling me I didn't have to take my clothes off to have a good time; when El Debarge was telling me to dance to the beat of the rhythm of the night, and Janet Jackson wanted us all to be part of a rhythm nation. Now? Some dumb bitch needs a fucking umbrella. Fuck me.
The next performance was Kanye West. Is anyone else as excited about Kanye West as Kanye West is? What the hell was that anyway? With the lights and the glowing sun-glasses...it was like a hip-hop version of Tron; or a rejected segment from the Michael Jackson/Captain EO Exhibit at Epcot. Fuck him.
Kanye won the grammy for best rap album and for most shallow tribute to a dead relative, saying his dead mom, (who died from complications from elective cosmetic surgery) wants him to be the number one selling artist and she's watching him from heaven to ensure he does that. Then he mocked a fellow grammy nominee (Common) and told him not to release records the same year as him. What a jack bag.
Fergie sang a ballad. Hey Fergie, why don't you go stick to shaking your heiney in rap videos, because you can't sing. And do we really need another girl with a hot body and a weird, distorted face? What the hell are you, anyway, a centaur? My penis is confused. Please stop.
It was nice to see the Beatles get some recognition for "All You Need Is Love"...not a bad concept, actually. I could use some love right now.
Did anyone think Beyonce's ass looked a little bigger than usual? I don't think I'm ready for that jelly.
Tina Turner just joined Beyonce on stage and she's starting to look her age. Don't get me wrong, Tina rocks! But I'm pretty sure she's in her mid-80's now and wears Depends...she should stop rollin' on the river before she breaks a hip.
I'm not positive, but it looks like Aretha Franklin is morphing into the mom from tv's "Good Times".
However, she kicked some ass even doing a gospel set, which makes me think that I'd probably be more religious if I went to a black church as a child; they're very upbeat, everybody's dancing and singing and having fun. In white churches, kids are trying to stay awake and not get fondled during confession.
Amy Winehouse performed via satellite and was pretty good. I'm not sure if Amy was drunk or not; but I don't think she was sure if she was drunk or not, so it worked out for us all.
Finally, just before the nasty weather knocked out our cable, I saw John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Little Richard do a medley.
Jerry Lee looked like he didn't know where he was and he may or may not have just pooped his pants. Little Richard looks the same as always...kinda like the sassy black neighbor from "227". Anyone else remember that show?
As for me, I'm happy the Foos won Rock Album of the Year, Morris Day & the Time kicked ass, and there was a Jason Bateman sighting. Anyone else excited for a possible "Hogan Family" Reunion Show?
Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm gonna go sneeze and pull a muscle in my back.
Good night & sleep tight.