What's That Sound?
(It's the gears turning in my head...yep, time for more random thoughts)
Ok, it's been a long time and I thought some random musings were way overdue. Plus, I've been thinking about a few things lately and I thought maybe some of you would like to think about these things, too. So here goes:
Opportunity Knocked (did I answer? No, because I'm an ass)
I was on the nine-nickle today driving home from work at 4:00, and what do I see on the shoulder of the highway? A Palm Beach County Sherriff sitting there. I assume he is looking for speeders so I slow slightly and set my cruise control to 65 mph and continue. As I get closer, I notice something wrong: the right front tire is flat as could be. Oh my! Why, I don't even need to slow down, do I? What's he gonna do? Chase me? His tire's limper than a gay guy's hog at Hooters. I could drive by him at 100 mph with my bare ass hanging out the window screaming "Fuck you, Piiiiggg!" and there's not a thing he can do about it. And what did I do? Nothing, I just turned up my radio slightly and went on my way with my cruise control set at 65 mph. I could have done just about anything and I did nothing. The spirit of mischief is dead in me. I am officially boring. I'm going to go pour myself some prune juice and take a nap before Mattlock comes on.
What's With Kids Today And Their Damn Music?!?!
This has been pissing me off for a while now and I'm sure a bunch of you will say, "What? I love that song!" or "I love that artist" but fuck you and listen to what I have to say. Maybe I can change your opinion.
Gwen Stefani - "Holla Back Girl" What the fuck is that bitch babbling about?!? I used to love her when she was with No Doubt and they were a ska/rock band and they played music and the words made some sort of sense. Now she is talking about not being a "holla back girl" and how her shit is bananas. Holy Christ, can someone tell me what the hell she is talking about? Who got Gwen the 2005 Ebonics Dictionary/Thesaurus for Christmas last year? English, Gwen, English!!! For fucks sake - English!!
The Ying Yang Twins - "The Whisper Song" What the fuck is a ying yang twin? What the fuck are they whispering about? What the fuck kind of person actually speaks like that? What the fuck kind of person wants to be spoken to like that? "Wait 'til you see my dick..." "I'm gonna beat that pussy up.." These are actual lyrics taken from the song. Ladies, I'm not a smooth talker, but I think I have an idea of what a girl likes to hear and what a girl doesn't like to hear. Maybe I'm wrong. Raise your hands if you like to hear about seeing a guys dick and that he's going to use it to beat up your vagina. Ok, those of you with your hands up, please keep them raised...the rest of you look at those girls. They're what we call sluts. Thank you, you may put your hands down now.
Ashley Simpson Do I have to say anything? Seriously...this girl has a career? I need to learn how to lip sync.
Britney Spears-Federline Thanks, America's trailers weren't quite full enough. Glad you decided to procreate. Just what we needed...a 3rd Federline running around. "He's gonna be a great dad." Yeah, well I hope the 3rd times a charm, Brit, 'cause he kinda neglected the first two to go on tour and stuff your taco in the handicapped stall of an IHOP at 4 in the morning.
Also, I wanted to issue an apology for last week. I had every intention to go to a redneck bar run by a crazy guy who thinks he's a pirate and wields a shotgun, but I instead got stuck hanging at the Sail Inn for hours and drinking until I no longer posessed the skills to spell simple 3 and 4 letter words. I still plan on hitting the pirate bar, just don't know when that'll be. You can be sure I'll be back to tell the story. Tonight, I'm drinking with my Italian friends. They're all from Brooklyn, they all have the thickest Brooklyn accents and it gets more and more amplified the drunker they get. I am not Italian or from Brooklyn. I'm from English herritage and I grew up in Florida. They're pasta and meatballs. I'm a turkey sandwich with mayo. It should be interesting. What the fuck, huh? Fuggetaboutit.
(It's the gears turning in my head...yep, time for more random thoughts)
Ok, it's been a long time and I thought some random musings were way overdue. Plus, I've been thinking about a few things lately and I thought maybe some of you would like to think about these things, too. So here goes:
Opportunity Knocked (did I answer? No, because I'm an ass)
I was on the nine-nickle today driving home from work at 4:00, and what do I see on the shoulder of the highway? A Palm Beach County Sherriff sitting there. I assume he is looking for speeders so I slow slightly and set my cruise control to 65 mph and continue. As I get closer, I notice something wrong: the right front tire is flat as could be. Oh my! Why, I don't even need to slow down, do I? What's he gonna do? Chase me? His tire's limper than a gay guy's hog at Hooters. I could drive by him at 100 mph with my bare ass hanging out the window screaming "Fuck you, Piiiiggg!" and there's not a thing he can do about it. And what did I do? Nothing, I just turned up my radio slightly and went on my way with my cruise control set at 65 mph. I could have done just about anything and I did nothing. The spirit of mischief is dead in me. I am officially boring. I'm going to go pour myself some prune juice and take a nap before Mattlock comes on.
What's With Kids Today And Their Damn Music?!?!
This has been pissing me off for a while now and I'm sure a bunch of you will say, "What? I love that song!" or "I love that artist" but fuck you and listen to what I have to say. Maybe I can change your opinion.
Gwen Stefani - "Holla Back Girl" What the fuck is that bitch babbling about?!? I used to love her when she was with No Doubt and they were a ska/rock band and they played music and the words made some sort of sense. Now she is talking about not being a "holla back girl" and how her shit is bananas. Holy Christ, can someone tell me what the hell she is talking about? Who got Gwen the 2005 Ebonics Dictionary/Thesaurus for Christmas last year? English, Gwen, English!!! For fucks sake - English!!
The Ying Yang Twins - "The Whisper Song" What the fuck is a ying yang twin? What the fuck are they whispering about? What the fuck kind of person actually speaks like that? What the fuck kind of person wants to be spoken to like that? "Wait 'til you see my dick..." "I'm gonna beat that pussy up.." These are actual lyrics taken from the song. Ladies, I'm not a smooth talker, but I think I have an idea of what a girl likes to hear and what a girl doesn't like to hear. Maybe I'm wrong. Raise your hands if you like to hear about seeing a guys dick and that he's going to use it to beat up your vagina. Ok, those of you with your hands up, please keep them raised...the rest of you look at those girls. They're what we call sluts. Thank you, you may put your hands down now.
Ashley Simpson Do I have to say anything? Seriously...this girl has a career? I need to learn how to lip sync.
Britney Spears-Federline Thanks, America's trailers weren't quite full enough. Glad you decided to procreate. Just what we needed...a 3rd Federline running around. "He's gonna be a great dad." Yeah, well I hope the 3rd times a charm, Brit, 'cause he kinda neglected the first two to go on tour and stuff your taco in the handicapped stall of an IHOP at 4 in the morning.
Also, I wanted to issue an apology for last week. I had every intention to go to a redneck bar run by a crazy guy who thinks he's a pirate and wields a shotgun, but I instead got stuck hanging at the Sail Inn for hours and drinking until I no longer posessed the skills to spell simple 3 and 4 letter words. I still plan on hitting the pirate bar, just don't know when that'll be. You can be sure I'll be back to tell the story. Tonight, I'm drinking with my Italian friends. They're all from Brooklyn, they all have the thickest Brooklyn accents and it gets more and more amplified the drunker they get. I am not Italian or from Brooklyn. I'm from English herritage and I grew up in Florida. They're pasta and meatballs. I'm a turkey sandwich with mayo. It should be interesting. What the fuck, huh? Fuggetaboutit.
posted by Woody at
7:51 PM
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