Original post date - Wednesday, July 06, 2005
4TH OF JULY WEEKEND REVIEW (A.K.A. I can't believe I drank that much this weekend)
I don't know if this will do my weekend justice. Really. I don't think that there is a way to describe the level of rediculousness that was achieved this weekend. From Friday night to Tuesday night, it was absolute anarchy.
Friday Night: Went to work like any other Friday. There is this girl who comes in and I have hooked up with her a few times...nothing crazy, we just seem to end up making out whenever we're alone at the end of the night. We'll call her Julie9. Julie and I hadn't hooked up for a week and didn't hang out so I figured that ship has sailed. So I make a date for after work to have this cute little 18 year old meet me and go to a party a friend was having. 18 meets me and we go to the party, but so did a bunch of people from work, including Julie. Ouch. A little awkward, but I introduce 18 and Julie like it's normal and nothing bad happens. That's what I usually do when I enter a seemingly difficult social situation...I ignore it, put my head down and plow through it dragging whoever else is involved. But I don't want to be rude so I quickly leave the party with 18 and go to the Ugly Mug. There, 18 and I decide to get a little wasted and we are sitting there doing shots when Julie and some friends come walking in. Dammit! I'm trying to avoid her so as not to rub it in that I'm hanging with another chick and following me like herpes. So we leave, and 18 drops me off at home. I do not invite her in as I'm so drunk I can't find my wang and if I did I wouldn't know what to do with it. I puke, sleep it off, wake up and wonder where I left my car.
Saturday: My friend Joe comes over with his guitar and amp. I jump on my drumset and we proceed to make horrible rock music. We name our two piece band Stacked Where It Counts (A.K.A. SWIC). We think we are rock Gods. My neighbors think we suck. I go to work.
Saturday Night: The night starts bad. I am looking around the club and it's slim pickins. A bunch of my boys are there so the few girls who are decent enough to talk to without a barf bag are getting hounded by all the wolves. Then I spot 2 girls at the bar. One is little and hot. The other has a pretty face and ginormous boobies, but her ass is wider than mine and that is a problem for me, especially when I haven't had a drop to drink. I make my way over to them and plop down on the big one's lap (trust me, that lap was strong enough to hold me and a 5 gallon drum of cookie dough, which I'm sure she wouldn't object to). I start to chat them up and the cute little one admits that she has been taking my picture while I'm on stage because "I'm adorable." Whatever. The door is open and I'm going in and shutting it before one of these other guys has a chance to cockblock. My buddy Obi-Wan Canolli sees me at work and decides he'll ride shotgun and talk to biggie. Turns out she's visiting from Connecticut and she's a gym teacher (there are a million jokes I could make right now about big girl being a gym teacher - I'll let you make your own).
It is still only midnight so I have 2 hours left of work before I can get them to go out for drinks. I am having a nice conversation when Obi-Wan, wanting to be funny, sneaks up behind me and wacks me in the nuts from behind. Why do some guys think this is funny? Damn that kid! He's a decent wingman, but do you think Goose would have punched Maverick in the nutbag? Would Starsky do that to Hutch? No!! Let me just say the pain was bordering on unbearable. He his me so hard, I thought my left nut was gonna pop out my throat. I waited the obligatory 20-30 seconds for the pain to set in then I crumpled to the ground. I used this opportunity to get the sympathy vote from Cute&little and decided to lean into her lap for comfort. She did not disapoint as she rubbed my back and ordered me an ice water. Ah, the Florence Nightengale Syndrome...you know, where a nurse falls for her patient...it's a beautiful thing. From that point on, I was done for the night. I went up to play drums on a song with the band, which only solidified my coolness with her. We went to the Ugly Mug after work, me with Cute/little, Obi-Wan with GymTeacher and things were going swimmingly. Obi-Wan is so confident that he asks for a condom, telling me I owe him one for the time he gave me one for "Sandy" (a girl I had sex with at the beach-get it? sand? Sandy?) I hand him one, but it's a magnum. Obi-Wan says in his thickest Brooklyn accent "What the fuck am I gonna do wit this?!? Sleep in it? Oh well, fuck it! I'll just tie a knot in it." It was classic Obi-Wan Canolli. At that point, I noticed Julie9 walking in and I actually felt like crap. Here I was, only a week after I was sitting there with HER at the bar, and now for two consecutive days, I am seen with two different girls. She can't be feeling happy about this. And I am developing a conscience. I decide to leave and Obi-Wan and his girl and me and my girl all go back to my house. I set them up in the guest room and pull the old "Want to see my room?" routine. Cute/little is very sassy and we are very tipsy and we have a lot of fun. (Side note-I think I am seeing her tonight. Hooray for my talleywacker!)
The next morning, we wake up because she has to work. We go to get Obi-Wan and GymTeacher up. There they are...skinny kid and big girl... spooning...but the reverse way...she is spooning him and he's all wrapped up in her arms. One of the funniest things I've ever seen. Sunday Night: Sunday night was Juniors party. Him and ChokeYa have been drinking all day. I get there with my standard bottle of jager and 6 cans of redbull. I say screw you to shots and beers and start off the night with a jager-wood. This is a drink that I invented. I had to invent it because no one else is stupid enough to drink a double glass of jager on the rocks with a splash of redbull. It is the perfect drink if you want to forget how to do simple math. Or tie your shoes. Or the difference between plump and skinny. A problem I would be faced with soon enough. Oh, yeah, and don't follow 2 jager-woods with 5 shots of straight jager. Not smart. I realize that things are getting out of control when the plump girls that showed up earlier were gone and replaced by these kinda cute girls dressed exactly the same. I would come to realize that these were actually the same plump girls, they had just used magic powers to make them selves look skinnier. Or it could have been the jager. But anyway, we start to play a game called something like "Get Smashed" or "Drink Up" and basically, you roll the dice, move to a space and drink. That's the game. And I am very good at this game and I'm winning (I think). We play for a while until we decide unstructured drinking is more fun than structured drinking, and I end up in a bathroom with a girl. I think her name was Avia, or Arrugala, or Ambian or something like that. Ok, so I don't know what her name was. But I did try to convince her that sex in a bathroom is a good idea. It went something like this:
Woody: Let's have sex in the bathroom.
Ambulance: No! We can't have sex in the bathroom!
Woody: Well, have you ever HAD sex in a bathroom?
Aliflauer: Well, no.
Woody: It's hot! Trust me! It's kinda kinky...
Aligator: Let's go into the bedroom instead.
I am happy to hear that much so we go into the bedroom, and don't lock the door. The next hour and a half were a mix of her friends coming in, my friends coming in, me trying to convince her that it was ok to do it, me getting about an incomplete 2 and a half minute BJ, me getting my pants ripped off all the way by one of my friends, her going and getting them back for me, and finally Obi-Wan telling me that Julie9 was there the whole time, she was leaving and agreed to drive my drunk ass home. Crap! Julie9 hates me, there is no way she is gonna take me home...she's gonna take me to a field somewhere, kill me and dump my body.
Well, she didn't take me to a field. She took me home and wanted to come inside and talk. Talking turned to kissing. Kissing turned to other stuff and I got another incomplete 2 and a half minute BJ. I wish I could remember what I said to get her to go from wanting to poison me to polishing my knob. It was the greatest sales negotiation since the Louisiana Purchase. I called in sick to work the next morning, went to get Denny's and took a nap. It was the 4th of July, afterall, and Obi-Wan Canolli's barbecue was today. I had better get in shape, because there was no end in site for my drunken shenanigans.
Monday, July 4th: After waking up, Julie9 came over and we got to dry hump for a while. I can see a trend developing as to why I hook up with her a little and then end up having sex with another girl. It always ends with her leaving me unfullfilled and me masturbating after she leaves. Oh well.
I leave to go to Obi-Wan's barbecue. I start at 2:00pm, have two beers and my buzz is back from the night before. That's apparently the trick to cheap drinking...don't let too much time pass between the time you stop the drinking and the time you start the drinking again. Otherwise all the alcohol leaves your system from the previous drinking and you have to start over with even more drinking. More and more people show up, more and more beer is consumed. Then someone sends someone on an alcohol run and my old German friend jagermeister shows up uninvited. In my drunken state, I start to wonder if it is polite for him to show up at a party celebrating America's independence, seeing that he is German and all. Jagermeiseter, crafty negotiator that he is, convinces me that it's a great idea and before long me and Obi-Wan are drinking straight from the bottle. This is not before the following takes place:
-Obi-Wan Canolli sticks a bottle rocket in the plumber's crack of his ass and tries to light it. It can't get out of his skinny crack so it explodes behind him leaving him with a few war wounds. It really is funny seeing a 5'9" 140lb shirtless Italian with his pants half down his ass and a bottle rocket stuck in his crack, realize that it's not taking off and try to run from his own ass.
-"The Voice" makes it's first appearence of the night as I am now drunk enough to do my Robert Goulet impression. It will continue to make appearences up to about 1:30am.
-Not one but two decent sized watermellons are absolutely destroyed by some form of illegal explosive.
-Obi-Wan has fallen off the skateboard at least 2 times, giving him numerous bits of "road rash." -A rousing performance of YMCA by myself and Obi-Wan Canolli
-A rousing performance of "Do a Little Dance, Make a Little Love, Get Down Tonight" by myself, Obi-Wan and other people (I don't remember who).
-An alcohol fueled conversation about Yoda in Porn and what it would sound like if someone with a speak-n-spell was talking to someone with a tracheotomy mic to speak (I'm going to hell, I know)
All in all, the 4th of July was very enjoyable. There is more to tell but I have to remember it all first.
Tuesday: Tuesday was uneventful. I went to the beach for a few hours, then 18 came over and we had sex while watching Starsky & Hutch (the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson version). That's a great movie.
Let's go to the numbers:
Number of large-size bottles of jagermeister consumed at 2 events which I attended: 5
Number of small-sized bottles of jagermeister consumed at Friday night party: 1
Number of watermellons destroyed: 2
Number of failed ass-crack launched bottle rocket attempts: 1
Number of incomplete BJ's received: 2
Number of beers consumed: ?
Number of times I was awake past 8 am from the night before: 2
Number of new sexual partners: 2
Number of hamburgers consumed during 4th of July barbecue: 4
Number of brain cells killed: ?
Hot dang! I love 4th of July weekend.
God Bless America!