Original post date - Friday, July 01, 2005
Rednecks Are People Too (They're just very weird people)
Here, in this one story, is the reason why everyone makes fun of rednecks. Forget Jeff Foxworthy, this is when you might be a redneck. Listen up.
A few months ago, there was a redneck couple in my club celebrating their 12th wedding anniversary with a bunch of their friends. The guy was chubby, balding with a goatee-kind of a Billy Bob Thornton but not quite as cultured, the girl looked like Anthony Michael Hall after a botched sex change. You know what I'm talking about...like her face caught on fire and some put it out with a B-B gun. Not pretty is what I'm trying to say. Anyway, we got them on stage to do a bit and during the bit she is supposed to grab his package. However, instead of grabbing it, she smacks him in the hoo-ha. Afterwards, she's ordering another Natural Light and I'm standing near the husband, when he tells me the single most disturbingly funny thing I've ever heard:
Redneck: Man, don't you know you never ask a drunk woman to touch your pecker, cause she gonna smack it every time!
Woody: Sorry man.
Redneck: And man, let me tell you she is drunk...she been drinkin' since 11:00 in the afternoon (note: he is not aware that 11:00 is morning...mmm-hmm). And I don't mean just drinkin, I mean drinkin! Between 11:00 in the afternoon and the car ride over here, she killed an 18 pack of bud. And she been drinkin' here, too! I told my buddy, I said, "ay man, she so drunk, we both gonna fuck her tonight." But I told the son of a bitch...I get the asshole first!
At this point I am speachless. "I get the asshole first?!?!" And this is a good thing? You've got to be kidding me. They were celebrating their 12th wedding anniversary, and as a gift, Billy-Bob and Goober are gonna double team her and stuff one in the mud onion?!?! They're gonna do a D.P. on his wife, and he's ok with that? And he wasn't even claiming the asshole for himself! He said he get's it first!!!! First!!! That means, not only is he gonna run a wagon train on his wife of 12 years with the whole trailer park, but he's gonna share the brown eye with them, too!! What the hell?!?!
I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. Damn you rednecks.
Rednecks Are People Too (They're just very weird people)
Here, in this one story, is the reason why everyone makes fun of rednecks. Forget Jeff Foxworthy, this is when you might be a redneck. Listen up.
A few months ago, there was a redneck couple in my club celebrating their 12th wedding anniversary with a bunch of their friends. The guy was chubby, balding with a goatee-kind of a Billy Bob Thornton but not quite as cultured, the girl looked like Anthony Michael Hall after a botched sex change. You know what I'm talking about...like her face caught on fire and some put it out with a B-B gun. Not pretty is what I'm trying to say. Anyway, we got them on stage to do a bit and during the bit she is supposed to grab his package. However, instead of grabbing it, she smacks him in the hoo-ha. Afterwards, she's ordering another Natural Light and I'm standing near the husband, when he tells me the single most disturbingly funny thing I've ever heard:
Redneck: Man, don't you know you never ask a drunk woman to touch your pecker, cause she gonna smack it every time!
Woody: Sorry man.
Redneck: And man, let me tell you she is drunk...she been drinkin' since 11:00 in the afternoon (note: he is not aware that 11:00 is morning...mmm-hmm). And I don't mean just drinkin, I mean drinkin! Between 11:00 in the afternoon and the car ride over here, she killed an 18 pack of bud. And she been drinkin' here, too! I told my buddy, I said, "ay man, she so drunk, we both gonna fuck her tonight." But I told the son of a bitch...I get the asshole first!
At this point I am speachless. "I get the asshole first?!?!" And this is a good thing? You've got to be kidding me. They were celebrating their 12th wedding anniversary, and as a gift, Billy-Bob and Goober are gonna double team her and stuff one in the mud onion?!?! They're gonna do a D.P. on his wife, and he's ok with that? And he wasn't even claiming the asshole for himself! He said he get's it first!!!! First!!! That means, not only is he gonna run a wagon train on his wife of 12 years with the whole trailer park, but he's gonna share the brown eye with them, too!! What the hell?!?!
I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. Damn you rednecks.
posted by Woody at
9:09 AM
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