Original post date - Wednesday, July 13, 2005
The Going Away Party
My friends, Joe and Jordan are moving to Philly for their wedding. Now, a little background on Joe: he grew up in Malaysia and Australia, and has never been to a strip club. So, to celebrate their last weekend here in sunny South Florida, I threw a barbecue at my house and then we were going to go to a strip club after. Almost like a co-ed bachelor/bachelorette party. Well, the festivities started very pathetic to say the least with everyone arriving 2 hours late. But once they did all show up, I knew it was gonna be trouble. Obi-Wan Canoli brought 144 bottle rockets. Yes, the same Obi-Wan that accidentally exploded a bottle rocket in his ass crack on the Fourth of July to celebrate our great nations independence. How patriotism and ass-crack shenanigans got mixed together I'm still not sure, but whatever. I digress. We started drinking beers, and I was going to go easy since I had consumed quite a few drinks the prior evening...that is, until the couple of honor showed up. Joe and Jordan came in with a bottle of pure evil. Absinthe. Supposedly, it can cause holucinations, kind of like an alcohol form of acid. Now, I must admit that it is not quite as strong as the stuff you will see in some areas in Europe. And the recipe has changed slightly since Van Gogh did a few shots of it and sliced his ear off. But I don't care who you are, 110 proof and 55 percent alcohol/volume is still fucking strong. By comparison, jagermeister is only 35 percent alcohol/volume, and that twists your nips up pretty damn good. And this stuff is stronger! So of course, I am intrigued. I start with the regular mix of Absinthe and sugar, which tastes like a cross between licorice jellybean and feet (not my favorite, but I'm not drinking because it tastes good, I'm drinking because I want to see colors ooze from a strippers boobies while I talk to her nipples). Then I decide to kick it up a notch and pour a little bit more of the super-drink in with some strawberry/lemonade gatorade. Jackpot. The sweet/sour taste covers the shit-balls taste of the satan juice completely and I proceed to have 6 fairly large glasses. This is where the day starts to go awry. Now, keep in mind that about 93 percent of what I'm telling you from now on is what I have been told by my friends, because I have little to no memory from about 8:00pm on. I will start with the events that I do recall:
-I vaguely remember watching "Old School" and during the part where Will Ferrell streaks, I decided it was a great idea. So I got up and went outside to streak. When everyone yelled at me to come back and put my pants on, I stole a line from Ferrell and exclaimed "But we're streaking...we're going up through the quad, to the gymnasium..."
-I remember being in a strip club. That's pretty much it. I know I was at one, however, I don't know what I did there.
-I remember eggs. I know it was Denny's and I ate eggs (ove medium) and bacon that was a little too crispy. And it was good.
-Sometime around 4am, it clears up a bit, and I awoke in bed with a girl who was not the girl I started the night with. One of my co-workers brought her friend, (who had a sexy little tatoo on the back of her neck) and I was somehow in bed with her. We were both clothed so I assume nothing happened. After I woke up, there was a little kissing but no full on canoodling. I remember SexyTatoo asking for a pair of boxer shorts. I gave her my scooby-doo Christmas boxers and exclaimed "Christmas is my favorite holiday...now let me open my presents!!" She didn't let me open my presents.
-I remember waking up with SexyTatoo around 10am. We were spooning and my hand was in her shirt holding her boobs. Nothing wrong with that. I had no idea where my keys were, or how I ended up in bed with SexyTatoo.
Now for some of the things that absinthe deleted from my memory (compiled completely from eye-witnesses):
-On the ride to the strip club, I decided to completely trash the inside of the car I was in. Throwing CD's, papers, and everything she had in her car all over the place. Aparently, I was "endangerig our lives" by completely distracting the driver/climbing into her lap. Whatever.
-Also while driving to the strip club, we pulled up next to a car full of my friends and I felt the need to hang my wang out the window. I was informed that I took my pants down and contorted my body as such so that my crotch was in the window. I later found out that this act had been provoked by a mooning from the other car. See? There was a perfectly good reason to hang my wang out the window...I'm not crazy.
-While at the strip club, I kissed a friend of mine. Then I kissed SexyTatoo. Then we all kissed each other. Dammit! I actually wish I could remember this one. Oh well.
-Also while at the strip club, I spent over $120 buying lap dances for my friend Joe. I didn't get any for myself...not one. I have no idea. Also, I was seen with my last $4 asking a stripper who looked like a slightly less masculine version of James Caan what she would do to my friend for $4...she told me to save my money. I'm sure Joe was glad she did.
-Soon after I ran out of money, I began professing my love for SexyTatoo and this lead to the original girl I was supposed to be there with leaving with my car keys. (I have since been forgiven for my actions as I have no memory of them actually happening. While we discussed the events of the evening, I kept insisting she use the word "allegedly" when referring to my indiscretions. I should be a lawyer.)
-I decided it was a good idea for Obi-Wan Canoli to T-Bag Joe while he was passed out back at the house. I then "took pictures" with a digital camera that had no bateries in it and therefore wasn't actually taking any pictures at all. Neither Obi-Wan nor myself noticed anything wrong. That's right, it was a DIGITAL camera and neither of us noticed anything wrong when it wouldn't turn on. Simply amazing. And we went to look at the pictures the next morning when someone told us we were taking them.
To summarize, I give absinthe two thumbs up. It made for a great time, and even though I don't remember all of it, I had this euphoric feeling all day long, and no hangover the next day. I also got a few good stories out of it. Keep in mind...this is only a fraction of what happened. I still have a crack team of researchers looking into the rest of the nights events. It's like trying to find out what actually happened with JFK. Everyone was there, watching the whole time, but no one knows what really took place. At the end of the day, he ended up with a lot less brain cells than he started with. So did I. Only difference is, I'm still president. Hail to the chief, bitches...hail to the chief!