Turkey Day
Hey everybocy in MySpace land. I will start by saying that my 1987 Dell Shit-Machine T400 is on the fritz, so if you need me, call or text me. It kinda shuts off at random times which makes using my computer that much more suspensefull. As I type this I have no idea if I'll finish or if my computer will shut off. Its kinda like trying to disarm a bomb, but a lot less life-threatening.
Anyhoo, I don't have a very good post for Thanksgiving due to my current technological shortcomings, but I did manage to jot down a few things about Turkey Day that made me wonder, so here you go. Enjoy.
Lets look at the myriad of interesting things that make up Thanksgiving:
-The Food. Turkey, potatos, stuffing (stale bread mashed up with celery in it..mmm, yum), cranberry jello in the shape of the can it came in, sweet potatos with marshmellows melted on top of them (how drunk do you have to be to think "Hmm, these potatos are sweet and they are delicious, but theres something missing....I think I'll put marshmellows on them. I mean they work in my swiss miss hot cocoa, why not on a potato?").
I think maybe the most amazing idea in recent holiday thinking is the idea of the fried turkey. Yes, its not enough that we cram as much food into our mouths as possible, but now we're frying whole turkeys to make sure our arteries don't survive December!!! Fantastic!
-Family & Friends. It's great to have them over at the house for Thanksgiving, because I know I don't feel like such a big fat pig when there are 12 other people cramming food in their mouths like its a "Who Has the Fattest Ass Competition"! (Do they have those contests? Not Booty Contests, because those are basically for strippers in training, but like, Really Big Booty Contests, where people with freakishly large asses square off against each other to compete in random tasks. That would be cool....like who can cram the fatttest ass into the smallest pair of shorts? or Who's ass has the most double chins? Am I the only one who wonders these things?)
-The Seating Arrangments. Its always fun to see the family because, if yours is as messed up as mine, its always interesting checking out the seating arrangment at te dinner table. However, theres never enough room at the main table, so theres usually a "Kiddy Table." And without a doubt, there is at least one person at the kiddy table who is on the verge of adulthood, but unfortunately, none of the older reletives have died yet to clear room at the main table, so poor cousin Timmy gets shit-dicked and ends up relegated to the kiddy table with a bunch of todlers flinging mashed potatos and gravy everywhere and pooping in their pants. Poor cousin Timmy....no onder he dresses in all black and wears eye liner. He's 16 and still sits at the kiddy table. Fifty bucks says he comes out of the closet Christmas Eve.
-The Traditions. There are some weird traditions that have become assiciated with Thanksgiving. In many houses, while Mom cooks all that food, the guys gather round the TV and watch football (Dallas and Detroit are the two teams that always play and somehow became the cities synonimous with Thanksgiving. Yes, thats right, Detroit! Theres a city that just screams togetherness, thankfullness and family unity!) What a nice gift to whoever is preparing the meal. "Hey, need any help in the kitchen hunny? Well, you're gonna have to go screw yourself, because football is on and I can't be bothered to move. But, I would love it if you brought me another beer. And boy am I thankful for you!"
-The Story of the First Thanksgiving. Think about what this holiday is based on....the new colonists celebrating their first winter harvest in the new world. To make nice, they invited the Native Americans over and they shared in a great feast of food and happiness and joy!
Then after dinner, they systematically drove the Native Americans out of their homelands, slaughtered tens of thousands of them, and years later "repaid" them by giving them designated plots called reservations and allowed them to build casinos. Um, hey, thanks for raping our ancestors, how about a free shrimp cocktail and a daqueri while you play our slot machines?
-The Parade. Ok, only women watch the parade. No exceptions. Any guy who says "Yay, I can't wait to see all the costumes and the fun characters...its just so wonderful!!" might as well trade out his turkey leg for a big juicey cock. 'Cause thats just gay.
Anyway, I'm sure there are more things I overlooked, but I am limited with my time as my computer may actually explode at any minute.
Really quick, I will take a moment to get all emo and say I am thankful to be here and for my friends (who are my family) and I love you all!
Happy Turkey Day, bitches.
Hey everybocy in MySpace land. I will start by saying that my 1987 Dell Shit-Machine T400 is on the fritz, so if you need me, call or text me. It kinda shuts off at random times which makes using my computer that much more suspensefull. As I type this I have no idea if I'll finish or if my computer will shut off. Its kinda like trying to disarm a bomb, but a lot less life-threatening.
Anyhoo, I don't have a very good post for Thanksgiving due to my current technological shortcomings, but I did manage to jot down a few things about Turkey Day that made me wonder, so here you go. Enjoy.
Lets look at the myriad of interesting things that make up Thanksgiving:
-The Food. Turkey, potatos, stuffing (stale bread mashed up with celery in it..mmm, yum), cranberry jello in the shape of the can it came in, sweet potatos with marshmellows melted on top of them (how drunk do you have to be to think "Hmm, these potatos are sweet and they are delicious, but theres something missing....I think I'll put marshmellows on them. I mean they work in my swiss miss hot cocoa, why not on a potato?").
I think maybe the most amazing idea in recent holiday thinking is the idea of the fried turkey. Yes, its not enough that we cram as much food into our mouths as possible, but now we're frying whole turkeys to make sure our arteries don't survive December!!! Fantastic!
-Family & Friends. It's great to have them over at the house for Thanksgiving, because I know I don't feel like such a big fat pig when there are 12 other people cramming food in their mouths like its a "Who Has the Fattest Ass Competition"! (Do they have those contests? Not Booty Contests, because those are basically for strippers in training, but like, Really Big Booty Contests, where people with freakishly large asses square off against each other to compete in random tasks. That would be cool....like who can cram the fatttest ass into the smallest pair of shorts? or Who's ass has the most double chins? Am I the only one who wonders these things?)
-The Seating Arrangments. Its always fun to see the family because, if yours is as messed up as mine, its always interesting checking out the seating arrangment at te dinner table. However, theres never enough room at the main table, so theres usually a "Kiddy Table." And without a doubt, there is at least one person at the kiddy table who is on the verge of adulthood, but unfortunately, none of the older reletives have died yet to clear room at the main table, so poor cousin Timmy gets shit-dicked and ends up relegated to the kiddy table with a bunch of todlers flinging mashed potatos and gravy everywhere and pooping in their pants. Poor cousin Timmy....no onder he dresses in all black and wears eye liner. He's 16 and still sits at the kiddy table. Fifty bucks says he comes out of the closet Christmas Eve.
-The Traditions. There are some weird traditions that have become assiciated with Thanksgiving. In many houses, while Mom cooks all that food, the guys gather round the TV and watch football (Dallas and Detroit are the two teams that always play and somehow became the cities synonimous with Thanksgiving. Yes, thats right, Detroit! Theres a city that just screams togetherness, thankfullness and family unity!) What a nice gift to whoever is preparing the meal. "Hey, need any help in the kitchen hunny? Well, you're gonna have to go screw yourself, because football is on and I can't be bothered to move. But, I would love it if you brought me another beer. And boy am I thankful for you!"
-The Story of the First Thanksgiving. Think about what this holiday is based on....the new colonists celebrating their first winter harvest in the new world. To make nice, they invited the Native Americans over and they shared in a great feast of food and happiness and joy!
Then after dinner, they systematically drove the Native Americans out of their homelands, slaughtered tens of thousands of them, and years later "repaid" them by giving them designated plots called reservations and allowed them to build casinos. Um, hey, thanks for raping our ancestors, how about a free shrimp cocktail and a daqueri while you play our slot machines?
-The Parade. Ok, only women watch the parade. No exceptions. Any guy who says "Yay, I can't wait to see all the costumes and the fun characters...its just so wonderful!!" might as well trade out his turkey leg for a big juicey cock. 'Cause thats just gay.
Anyway, I'm sure there are more things I overlooked, but I am limited with my time as my computer may actually explode at any minute.
Really quick, I will take a moment to get all emo and say I am thankful to be here and for my friends (who are my family) and I love you all!
Happy Turkey Day, bitches.
posted by Woody at
2:17 PM
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