Original post date - Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Weekend Wrap Up 6/23-6/26
It's Tuesday and it's hot as a bastard outside. I'm currently at work and my balls are so immersed in sweat right now they need scuba geer. I live a rough life, I know, but don't cry for me, Argentina, as I am about to review the weekend.
This past weekend, it started early. Thursday night, I am at my job at The Breakers, the swanky hotel for people with too much money, when these two hot blondes walk up to my desk to ask what's fun to do around here. After fighting off the urge to say "Me!", I tell them about Clematis Street and City Place, but I also mention I work at a club about 25 minutes south and I was going to go there, as well as a few other bars in that area. They ask to tag along. Jackpot. I of course welcome them but I inform them my shift ends at 10pm and it's only 6:45pm. "That's ok, we have a gallon bottle of Captain Morgan Silver in our room, we'll just keep drinking while we wait for you." It was like angels singing a sweet, sweet drunken love song that was written especially for me. So they go inside, refill and come back down to my desk where we shoot the shit for a while. Turns out, they're from Orlando are 21 and 19...hmmm, that may be trouble. 10pm comes and we are driving to Delray and my club. I decide to be nice and let my buddy share in my hijinx-hey, even Maverick had Goose as a wingman, know what I mean. I know, I know, I could have been greedy and gone for the gusto -the sister extra value combo- but who wants that, you know? Who needs that whole "sex with two girls" pressure hanging over your head? Ok, I did, but I called my buddy anyway 'cause I'm a generous guy. He meets us in Delray and we go up the street to a bar. I know the bouncer, bartenders, and waitress so we're in with no problem. Over the next hour me and my buddy get quite shebangled, tipsy if you will (the girls do not need any more alcohol at this time and I don't want to get the bar in trouble) and we decide which guy gets which girl. We decide because I am younger (by a year) that I will take the 19 year old and he can have the 21 year old (they're both hot as hell so it doesn't matter). We leave and head back to the hotel, where the girls want to swim. Yeah, um, the beach at most fancy hotels is closed at sundown, as are the pools, but that doesn't seem to matter to them much. We all have more Captain Morgan (God bless that man, someone promote him to Major Morgan, or even Colonel Morgan) and then we start to get changed. Neither me or my buddy have suits, but the girls say they have some basketball shorts that they sleep in that might fit us. I don't really care at this point because I'm thinking we're ending up au natural anyway, but I play along. I take my boots off to get changed, and we hear a knock on the joining room door. Uh-oh. It's mom. Me and my buddy run into the bathroom, close the door, and try to listen to what's going on:
Mom: What are you two doing in here?!?!
Girls: Nothing, we're a little tipsy, sorry we were being so loud.
Mom: Ok, just don't wake your father up or---who's boots are those?
Girls: What boots?
It was all we could do to not shit ourselves laughing! What boots? WHAT BOOTS?!?! The ones sitting right next to the bed, plain as day, dipshit!!! You have got to be shitting me!! Wow, those girls either had balls of steel playing dumb when they knew (and Mom knew) damn well what was going on, or they really were drunk as fuck.
Mom (after a pause): Just be quiet and don't wake your father.
Girls: Sorry Mom.
Door closes. Sweet. Operation Skinny Dip is back on. We squeeze into their shorts (I must admit it was pretty funny seeing us in those shorts. I almost had a male-camel toe going, but hey...tight pants make it look like you're hung like a bear. I see why the Europeans do it). We go down to the beach out of sight of the main pool area and into the water where we commence with a little tonsil hockey, when all of a sudden a damn security gaurd comes out of the darkness to tell us we gotta go. You can see he knows the score and doesn't want to cock block, but he's gotta do his job. He was almost apologetic in telling us to go. So we go back up and find a pool that is deserted (in our drunken state, we didn't realize that there are cameras EVERYWHERE recording our every movement). We tried three different pools and made about 15 minutes progress at each pool before a new gaurd would come out and tell us we had to go. It was like traveling the Oregon Trail; progress was slow and there were many distractions and obsticles along the way, but nothing kept us from our common goal of reaching that sweet, supple valley and settling down inside her. Finally, they decide it's time to go back to the room...Operation Skinny Dip has been changed to Operation Grab Ass. Just as we are making our way back from the pool, some cock-blocking bitch in a hotel uniform comes out with a walkie-talkie, yelling something about police. "Police?" I ask, obviously a little nervous at the mention of five-oh, "but we're guests here."(I'm totally bluffing)
Cock-Blocking Bitch: Well you've been all over the beach and pool area while it's been closed, so unless I can confirm your reservations, you're tresspassing!(she calls my bluff...damn her to heck!)
Girls: We have a room here, they are our guests.
Cock-Blocking Bitch: Well, no one is going anywhere until the cops get here and we straighten things out.
Just then we see blue flashing lights as a cop comes up the main drive. Me and my boy take one look at each other and we know it's time to abandon the dream. I tell Cock-Blocker that I just want to go get a towell then I whisper to my girl that we gotta go, but I'll call her from the car, and we take off. We get to the car and I realize that I am carrying my girl's skirt and sandals-a souvenir I guess. My cell phone rings a half hour later and they tell us that the cop came and escorted them back to their room, and management would notify their parents in the morning of what had happened. Dammit! So close, yet so far. I spoke to 19 year old in the morning and she did say that they will be back in Orlando next week and want to hang out, and that they didn't get in trouble because her mom knew what was going on anyway. You gotta love those parents who were hippies when they were younger. So understanding. So trusting. Hopefully, there will be a part two to this.
Friday night, I met a girl who is a massage therapist. I asked her if she does happy endings. She said after a few more drinks maybe. I got her a few more drinks. She gave me her number. Not the happy ending I was looking for, but it's a start. We're hainging out tonight, so maybe this will have a part two also.
Saturday night was quiet. I hooked up with this girl I have been talking to. She still lives with her ex-boyfriend until July 9th, so she said no sex until then. Not cool. Looks like we're still seeing other people...at least until July 9th.
Sunday was fun. A few people from work came over and we drank a lot of beer. Also, I got a 2.5 lb London Broil and cooked it on the grill...it was like a blow job for your taste buds...without all the spluge.
Anyways, I'm gonna go back to sweating at my desk. There is now so much sweat, there's a flash flood warning in my pants. I hope my balls don't drown.
Please send donations to:
Save Woody's Balls
P.O. Box 80081E5
Intercourse, PA 10069
Weekend Wrap Up 6/23-6/26
It's Tuesday and it's hot as a bastard outside. I'm currently at work and my balls are so immersed in sweat right now they need scuba geer. I live a rough life, I know, but don't cry for me, Argentina, as I am about to review the weekend.
This past weekend, it started early. Thursday night, I am at my job at The Breakers, the swanky hotel for people with too much money, when these two hot blondes walk up to my desk to ask what's fun to do around here. After fighting off the urge to say "Me!", I tell them about Clematis Street and City Place, but I also mention I work at a club about 25 minutes south and I was going to go there, as well as a few other bars in that area. They ask to tag along. Jackpot. I of course welcome them but I inform them my shift ends at 10pm and it's only 6:45pm. "That's ok, we have a gallon bottle of Captain Morgan Silver in our room, we'll just keep drinking while we wait for you." It was like angels singing a sweet, sweet drunken love song that was written especially for me. So they go inside, refill and come back down to my desk where we shoot the shit for a while. Turns out, they're from Orlando are 21 and 19...hmmm, that may be trouble. 10pm comes and we are driving to Delray and my club. I decide to be nice and let my buddy share in my hijinx-hey, even Maverick had Goose as a wingman, know what I mean. I know, I know, I could have been greedy and gone for the gusto -the sister extra value combo- but who wants that, you know? Who needs that whole "sex with two girls" pressure hanging over your head? Ok, I did, but I called my buddy anyway 'cause I'm a generous guy. He meets us in Delray and we go up the street to a bar. I know the bouncer, bartenders, and waitress so we're in with no problem. Over the next hour me and my buddy get quite shebangled, tipsy if you will (the girls do not need any more alcohol at this time and I don't want to get the bar in trouble) and we decide which guy gets which girl. We decide because I am younger (by a year) that I will take the 19 year old and he can have the 21 year old (they're both hot as hell so it doesn't matter). We leave and head back to the hotel, where the girls want to swim. Yeah, um, the beach at most fancy hotels is closed at sundown, as are the pools, but that doesn't seem to matter to them much. We all have more Captain Morgan (God bless that man, someone promote him to Major Morgan, or even Colonel Morgan) and then we start to get changed. Neither me or my buddy have suits, but the girls say they have some basketball shorts that they sleep in that might fit us. I don't really care at this point because I'm thinking we're ending up au natural anyway, but I play along. I take my boots off to get changed, and we hear a knock on the joining room door. Uh-oh. It's mom. Me and my buddy run into the bathroom, close the door, and try to listen to what's going on:
Mom: What are you two doing in here?!?!
Girls: Nothing, we're a little tipsy, sorry we were being so loud.
Mom: Ok, just don't wake your father up or---who's boots are those?
Girls: What boots?
It was all we could do to not shit ourselves laughing! What boots? WHAT BOOTS?!?! The ones sitting right next to the bed, plain as day, dipshit!!! You have got to be shitting me!! Wow, those girls either had balls of steel playing dumb when they knew (and Mom knew) damn well what was going on, or they really were drunk as fuck.
Mom (after a pause): Just be quiet and don't wake your father.
Girls: Sorry Mom.
Door closes. Sweet. Operation Skinny Dip is back on. We squeeze into their shorts (I must admit it was pretty funny seeing us in those shorts. I almost had a male-camel toe going, but hey...tight pants make it look like you're hung like a bear. I see why the Europeans do it). We go down to the beach out of sight of the main pool area and into the water where we commence with a little tonsil hockey, when all of a sudden a damn security gaurd comes out of the darkness to tell us we gotta go. You can see he knows the score and doesn't want to cock block, but he's gotta do his job. He was almost apologetic in telling us to go. So we go back up and find a pool that is deserted (in our drunken state, we didn't realize that there are cameras EVERYWHERE recording our every movement). We tried three different pools and made about 15 minutes progress at each pool before a new gaurd would come out and tell us we had to go. It was like traveling the Oregon Trail; progress was slow and there were many distractions and obsticles along the way, but nothing kept us from our common goal of reaching that sweet, supple valley and settling down inside her. Finally, they decide it's time to go back to the room...Operation Skinny Dip has been changed to Operation Grab Ass. Just as we are making our way back from the pool, some cock-blocking bitch in a hotel uniform comes out with a walkie-talkie, yelling something about police. "Police?" I ask, obviously a little nervous at the mention of five-oh, "but we're guests here."(I'm totally bluffing)
Cock-Blocking Bitch: Well you've been all over the beach and pool area while it's been closed, so unless I can confirm your reservations, you're tresspassing!(she calls my bluff...damn her to heck!)
Girls: We have a room here, they are our guests.
Cock-Blocking Bitch: Well, no one is going anywhere until the cops get here and we straighten things out.
Just then we see blue flashing lights as a cop comes up the main drive. Me and my boy take one look at each other and we know it's time to abandon the dream. I tell Cock-Blocker that I just want to go get a towell then I whisper to my girl that we gotta go, but I'll call her from the car, and we take off. We get to the car and I realize that I am carrying my girl's skirt and sandals-a souvenir I guess. My cell phone rings a half hour later and they tell us that the cop came and escorted them back to their room, and management would notify their parents in the morning of what had happened. Dammit! So close, yet so far. I spoke to 19 year old in the morning and she did say that they will be back in Orlando next week and want to hang out, and that they didn't get in trouble because her mom knew what was going on anyway. You gotta love those parents who were hippies when they were younger. So understanding. So trusting. Hopefully, there will be a part two to this.
Friday night, I met a girl who is a massage therapist. I asked her if she does happy endings. She said after a few more drinks maybe. I got her a few more drinks. She gave me her number. Not the happy ending I was looking for, but it's a start. We're hainging out tonight, so maybe this will have a part two also.
Saturday night was quiet. I hooked up with this girl I have been talking to. She still lives with her ex-boyfriend until July 9th, so she said no sex until then. Not cool. Looks like we're still seeing other people...at least until July 9th.
Sunday was fun. A few people from work came over and we drank a lot of beer. Also, I got a 2.5 lb London Broil and cooked it on the grill...it was like a blow job for your taste buds...without all the spluge.
Anyways, I'm gonna go back to sweating at my desk. There is now so much sweat, there's a flash flood warning in my pants. I hope my balls don't drown.
Please send donations to:
Save Woody's Balls
P.O. Box 80081E5
Intercourse, PA 10069
posted by Woody at
9:36 AM
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