Original post date - Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Woody Gets A Massage

A few years ago, I worked for a bank that had fucking awesome health insurance. It was so good, that it paid for you to visit a local chiropractor who would treat you and then prescribe weekly massages by one of his 3 young, hot, blonde masseuses (did I spell that right? And doesn't "masseuses" sound like a word that should be in Cat in the Hat or Horton Hears a Hoo? "Flim-flam-o-grams and gooses, ring-ding-a-lings and masseuses!"). Anyway, this sounded good to me, so I went and low and behold, it seams I have back problems and need a massage three times a week from a 22 year old hot enough to induce spontaineous bouts of masturbation. Unfortunately, masturbation was the only thing you were gonna enjoy after the massage as this was NOT a happy ending type of place. But, alas, I went and enjoyed the free rubdowns and got to know my rubbing companion. It seams, coincedently, she had babysat for my ex's brother and his wife. I went there probably 15 times, until one fateful afternoon, when I would have the most awkward 30 minutes ever. It started like any other rub, she did my back for the first 30 minutes, then asked me to flip over and she would do the front. Now, I don't like to wear anything during my massages because it helps me feel more relaxed, so at this moment I am completely bare ass naked. She starts with a long rub on my quad-or thigh muscle for those of you who were educated in Florida-except she gets a little close with this long, slow, lotioned up rub, and I think to myself "ooohh, that was nice." Then I realize where I am and that that's not a cool thought to have. Uh-oh! Mighty Kong is awake! Too late! I can feel a tingle in the south of France and it's only a matter of time until the Eiffel Tower is standing straight up for everyone to see! Immediately, I try to get a hold of the situation (not literally, she would have freaked out) and I try to think of the most horrible things to quell the swelling; fat chicks in bikinis, last nights hockey game, Barbara Bush...nothing is working. And what's worse, my nervousness is only making it stronger. Every second I thought about it only seemed to make it worse, second by agonizing second creeping by ever so slowly, until there it was. Plain as day. I'm lying on a table in the middle of the room, naked as a jay bird, covered only by a very thin sheet- and I've got the most rediculous boner I've ever had. It was porn worthy, I tell you. I almost feel bad for wasting it on such an awkward moment, but what can you do? Even worse, at that moment, we went silent. All conversation had stopped. It was like there was a freaking blue elephant sitting in the corner of the room, she knew it, I knew it, but neither one of us wanted to talk about it. And I still had 25 minutes left to go. Well, dammit all, if that boner didn't stay there the entire time she gave me the massage. She finally said "Ok, you're all done." and left the room. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there, full stock, not wanting to walk out because you know she just told the whole staff about MY staff and they're gonna snicker and laugh as I leave. Well, I get dressed, quickly walk out to the front desk, tell them to cancel my next appointment because I'm busy and I never went back.
Let me tell you, there is nothing more awkward than being alone in a room with a woman who has no intention of touching you sexually in any way, shape or form, you are completely naked and you have a huge and obvious erection. Yep. Very awkward indeed.