Happy Birthday, Chuck!
In honor of Chuck Norris’s 69th birthday, here are some facts about Chuck and his very full resume of life accomplishments. Prepare to tremble with fear.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour; however, he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with three waitresses.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His boot.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He stares down the cows and they crap the butter straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When the Boogey-man goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. He bites frost.
Chuck Norris is suing NBC because the show “Law & Order” is actually the original names of his left and right fists.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris can watch the show 60 Minutes in less than a half hour.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. Once.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
They once made a Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and roundhouse kicks someone in the face.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
In honor of Chuck Norris’s 69th birthday, here are some facts about Chuck and his very full resume of life accomplishments. Prepare to tremble with fear.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour; however, he spent the first 45 minutes having sex with three waitresses.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His boot.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He stares down the cows and they crap the butter straight out.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When the Boogey-man goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frost bite. He bites frost.
Chuck Norris is suing NBC because the show “Law & Order” is actually the original names of his left and right fists.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris can watch the show 60 Minutes in less than a half hour.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. Once.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
They once made a Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and roundhouse kicks someone in the face.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
posted by Woody at
9:47 AM
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