Original post date - Thursday, May 26, 2005
The Zesty Bachelore Party / Election Day 2000
ZestyItalian's bachelor party was sick. It was a few years ago -on election day 2000 to be exact- and me and my girlfriend were in a limbo state. Kinda broken up but not mad at each other any more. Burly was visiting from Austin TX and he and I were in charge of most of the party.
11:15 am at Hooters (they open at 11:30). Now, obviously, people don't formally frequent a fine establishment like hooters for the excellent cuisine. They do it for the boobies. And today would be no different. It was to be me, Burly, Zesty, Scuba, Abromowitz and a host of other delinquents ready to lay waste to the Boca Raton Hooters. Burly (who goes about 6'3" and 275) and I are the first ones there and are looking in the windows before they unlock the doors. That should have clued them in as to what was in store.
11:30am Doors unlock, we don't even have a table yet and we're yelling for beer! We need no menus, don't care who our waitress is, as long as she is properly equipped with boobs, beer, and hands and feet to go get more beer-in that spacific order. Burly and I are 2 pitchers up on everyone before the rest of the boys arrive. As far as what happened for most of our stay at Hooters, I don't know. I remember being told to be quiet more than once, that I was scaring some of the children, and that we had actually exceeded our limit for pitchers allowed (apparently, Hooters has a rule of no more than 2 pitchers of watered down beer per person at a table...not sure if it's true or urban myth, but that's what they told me).
6:30 pm I am so drunk I am hitting on a barstool. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was hitting on an inanimate object, or the fact that according to me she was digging me "Dude, she's all over me!" I exclaimed with excitement to my friends. Right now, drunk is an understatement.
I get a ride back to my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend's house -we'll call her C-Minus. C-Minus is none too pleased to see me in my current state and advises me to take a nap before going to Zesty's house to meet the bachelor buss.
8:00pm Now say what you want about C-Minus and her shortcomings as a girlfriend, but she understood that I could not sellout on my best friends bachelor party, no matter how drunk I was. She gets me up and I reluctantly get dressed. I have missed the buss and don't care. She tells me she will drive me to the nudie bar. What a girl. I knew I loved her for a reason.
8:30pm I get to diamond dolls. I am still wicked drunk, however, there is something that happens when a drunk man sees neon lights and knows they preclude nudity. It awakens something inside his soul. I could feel my second wind...and that wind was blowing in my pants. Woody is happy. I stroll in and because I was expecting a big day I have a few hundred dollars....now I'm no donald trump mind you, but I have more than enough to make me popular. I walk in, see my friends, throw a casual hello gesture towards them and pull a chair right to the edge of the stage. I turn my hat backwards, and take out a wad of cash. In my mind, I am snoop dogg and these are my ho's. My pimp hand is strong and I inform the waitress I will be double fisting this evening and to keep 2 beers in my hands at all times. She does this and hijinx ensues. I meet two lovely girls who are "just working their way through school." Why is it that all strippers are "just working their way through school?" Even the 45 year old one with tits drooping to her waist, who has a daughter also working at the club selling shots and 4 more kids at home in the doublewide...even she is "just working her way through school." Yeah, I'm there to find a wife. Anyway, I have met my ladies for the night and they accompany me back to my group of friends. I introduce Marilyn and Alexis to the boys (I love stripper names "Lexus to the Main Stage!!! Lexus!!). A different stripper comes over and flashes her clam-piercing to the boys. I miss and want her to do it again. She yells at me...apparently, they don't like it when you refer to their peircing as an "earing in the meat curtains." Being as intoxicated as I am, I inform her she is a stripper and showing me her bits is her job "now take off your gear and lemme see that shit." The enormous house of a man who is standing by the door informs me to be nice or I will be "escorted out." Considering that this guy probably took a shit bigger than me this morning, I agree to be nice.
Sometime in the wee hours of the night: It is late and we are done. We are all horny, alone and going back to a hotel. The idea is kicked around to continue the party back at the hotel but no one is sure how to order strippers "to go" and no one really cares. We all exit the club and pile onto the party buss (how ironic that it is a short buss). Once on the bus, Burly passes out and we all agree he needs to be mushroom thumped for being 1st to pass out. I agree to do it since I am nimblest of the group at this time, not to mention, when guys are drunk, it is an honor to be chosen to humiliate a friend when he is passes out...kind of like being knighted in England. I stand on the seat next to Burly, weapon in hand, and thump him once on the forehead. Everyone enjoys this thouroughly, so Burly's little bro -we'll call him MiniBurl-MiniBurl decides he is gonna thump him next. He steps up on the seat and makes his approach. Negative ghostrider, the pattern is full!!! He has woken the beast and Burly is angry. He punches lil' bro in the nuts and we all laugh (except for MiniBurl). We get back to the hotel and pass out.
When I wake up in the morning, George W. Bush is our new president. He would have been proud.
