Party for Your Right to Fight

Adam Yauch, I mean MCA, I mean Nathaniel Hornblower's Fight For Your Right Revisited is a 30 minute film that made the rounds at Sundance this year. The film takes a look at life after the party that took place in the original video for (You gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party). It stars Seth Rogan, Elija Wood & Danny McBride as Mike D, Ad-Rock & MCA respectively, and includes cameos from everyone from Will Ferrell to Susan Sarandon to Stanly Tucci.

I think I speak for everybody when I say Beastie Boys are friggin' amazing. If you don't feel the same way then we can't be friends. Seriously, you should probably just leave.

The Poorhouse is Fun

This past Friday, NOFX played at Revolution in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. However, the real show was next door at the Poorhouse, where Radio Baghdad, Irish Car Bomb, The Shakers & The Clap blew the effin' roof off the place. The night was full of booze, music & good times. I remember everything up until about 4:00 am, but nothing of consequence happened after that anyway (*rubs sore rear-end, tries to scrub the word "balls" off of forehead*).

Thanks to Chuck Deuce for "organizing" the evening; also, thanks to Ska Mike, Keith "the Singin' Slugger", and the PSL crew for making it out for the festivities. Good times.

I feel this picture says a lot:


(I'm the squinty one drinking the PBR)

It's like Disneyland for Rednecks



My lady and I like to think we're a classy breed of human. We stay clear of Budweiser tank tops & rarely take part in inter-species romance.

But every year, when that train wreck of family entertainment known as the South Florida Fair comes to town, we set aside our manners, along with that part of your brain that tells you not eat that, and get a little crazy.

This year's menu consisted of fried Oreos, fried mac n cheese balls, a corn dog, a gyro, cotton candy, and we washed it all down with beer.

The food was only the 2nd best part, as my favorite thing to do at the fair is watch the various rednecks and wonders of humankind interact. I find it funny that some people pay to go to the freak show inside the fair when going to the fair is basically the same thing. Sure, there's no two headed horse or World's Tallest Man, but I guarantee you'll see no less than 15 bearded ladies just walkin' around with their kids.

Also, why is it that the 400 lb. couple with the his-and-hers mullets have so many kids? You need a license to go fishing or drive a car, but any idiot with functioning naughty parts can have kids. Shouldn't there at least be a limit on how many children you can have? If you're life's dream is to see Larry The Cable Guy drive a NASCAR race with a never ending supply of pork rinds & Budweiser while getting a hummer from your sister, then you should not be allowed to procreate. We're being overrun by inbred, slack-jawed, overweight hillbilly folk. The world is truly headed for a zombie apocalypse. Except instead of the living dead, it'll be millions of brainless rednecks.

Oh well, at least I'll have my fried delicacies.

Sarah Palin 2012: She'll Help You Masturbate!
On Inside the NBA on TNT last night, Kenny Smith, Charles Barkley & Ernie Johnson did a live interview with Tracy Morgan at the Knicks game. When the conversation turned to Tina Fey & Sarah Palin, Tracey had a few choice words: "Sarah Palin is good masturbation material."
TNT quickly cut to commercial. I think I speak for all of us when I say Tracy Morgan needs his own live television show, or even his own channel. Can we get the rights to TMC? No one watches The Movie Channel anymore right?

Are you ready for some football?

I don't care what team you root for, there's something for everyone here. Unless you're on the team that likes big, throbbing dongs and balls. Because there will be little-to-none of that here.

In the mean time, here's former NFL Cheerleader, Current Playboy Model & All-Around Great Gal Jaime Edmondson being a team player and looking all sexified in the team colors of all 32 NFL teams.

You are very welcome.

Now I'm Free! Free Fallin'!!

A suicidal woman in Buenos Aires, Argentina jumped off the roof of a hotel, fell 23 stories (approximately 330 ft), landed on top of a taxi cab, crushing the ever-living shit out of it, and lived.

She was taken to the hospital with broken hips, ribs & serious internal bleeding. I'm not sure how much pain she's in, but I stubbed my toe on the way to take a pee at 2am last night and wept about it for hours.

Texting + Walking = Boobies?

By now, you've all heard about the lady who was walking in the mall while texting on her smart phone and fell into a fountain. What a dumb bitch, right?

Well, I will reserve judgement ever so slightly. Today, I decided to get in 30 minutes of cardio at the gym while on my lunch break. I raced to the gym (important sidenote: the first time I'd ever been to this particular location), got changed, hit the treadmill, sweated my mildly chubby caboose off, then headed for the showers so I didn't smell like a foot when I got back to my desk. I decided to multi-task so I was texting a friend about this weekends plans while walking. I stepped into the locker room, was about 5 feet inside the door when I looked up and saw a (fully dressed...thankfully) woman walking towards me. "What the hell? What's this lady doing in the men's locker room?", I asked myself. Then it hit me....oh shit, I'm in the wrong locker room. I quickly turned, redfaced as hell, and hightailed it out of there. Out in the hall, there was a janitor...laughing at me. The bastard could've warned me. Then again, I wouldn't have. That shit would be funny as hell if it happened to somebody else. Fortunately (unfortunately?) there were no naked women to cause a fuss about me seeing their boobs or beavers, so in the end, all was fine.

So before you judge that lady for falling into a fountain, make sure you don't walk into the wrong locker room. Because that would make you a jackass.

(Editor's note: I am suing the gym for insufficient door labeling, suing the janitor for not warning me about my error and suing my friend for distracting me...I may also sue my cell phone provider. I haven't decided yet.)

Steel Vs. Cheese

This year's Super Bowl match-up is finally set after Sunday's action, with the Steelers beating the Jets & the Packers defeating the Bears to move on to Dallas. Personally, I'm rooting for the Packers as I am a big fan of cheese. But I think the more interesting story is the one coming out of Pittsburgh, and it involves their star quarterback, Big Ben Roethlisberger.

There is a lot riding on this game. Its not just about the fans, the stats, or his legacy. Its about the safety of drunk women across this great nation.

I'm not sure what's more dangerous for the women of the United States? A Steelers win or loss? On one hand, a victorious Big Ben is gonna want to get laid. He'll be fired up and ready to celebrate. Do we really want to unleash him on the women of Pittsburgh while he's all excited & drunk? I think not. Thats's just begging for a snuggle-struggle.

On the other hand, if the Black & Yellow is defeated, a dejected, potentially cock-forcingly angry Ben is gonna want to take out his frustrations (Editor's Note: his penis). And that's not good news for anyone, anywhere. Let's not forget, the last incident took place in a bar in rural Georgia. I lived in rural Georgia for a while...its not anywhere a millionaire, star QB needs to be hanging out. And yet there he was, tucked under center, in a bathroom with a drunk 20 year old tight end, who eventually accused him of roughing the passer (see what I did there? All the football double entendre? Zing!). And that was just a random off-season night. If they lose to the Pack in the big game? God help us all (not get raped).

I guess what I'm saying is Ben Roethlisberger is like a rapey version of the terminator. Like an unflinching, unwavering machine, he will not stop, he will not rest, until he wedges his uncompromising crank in some poor girls twat. Are you ready for some football? You better be. Go Packers.

Attention: Hobo With A Shotgun

Hobos With Golden Voices Have Been Warned.

If your list of turn-ons includes:

Shotguns

Violence

Hobos

Then I'd like you to dress me up like a homeless man and hold me at gunpoint while I choke myself & masturbate. But enough about my days in Christian youth group, lets talk about movies. The latest Grindhouse trailer-turned-movie, Hobo With A Shotgun has a poster and a trailer, and they both look awesome.

Enjoy all the angry, homeless violence!

Greatness. Masculinity. Facial Hair.

Manly men live life by a certain set of rules. They don't watch Brokeback Mountain. They don't dance. They don't have bowls of potpourri in their house.

Basically, they follow the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. It offers tidbits like "Intensity: Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that." and "B.O. Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice."

(Courtesy of Parks & Recreation by way of WarmingGlow.com. Parks & Rec is a supremely underrated show on NBC, along with Community. Get them into your life, if you haven't already. A larger version of the Pyramid of Greatness available here)

Meet Maggie

We finally decided on the name "Maggie" for our English Bulldog, inspired in part by Former Prime Minister of England, Margaret Thatcher.

I can see the resemblance.

New Foo For You

The 90's gave us some really crappy music: Ace of Base, Young Black Teenagers, Colour Me Badd, Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch and hundreds more.

We also got some very average music: Goo Goo Dolls, Matchbox 20, Dishwalla, Duncan Sheik, Jesus Jones, Spin Doctors. Feel free to take artists from either category and swap them around, or even add a few of your own. Whatevs...I'm not here to argue, I'm here to feed you my opinions....now come suckle at my teet, young ones.

The 90's also gave us some pretty kick ass bands still working today: Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer and Green Day just to name a few. My personal favorite of that era happens to be the one started by former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl.

Well, get ready to wet your beaks at the well of rock once more as they released a brief snippet from the upcoming album, which I gladly share with you...enjoy: Tease.FooFighters.com

The Newest Member of the Family

My girlfriend & I are dog owners. We have a pug named Jojo, but recently, she has been wanting to get another one. She feels that Jojo needs a friend to hang out with during the day. I'd like to dress him up in peoples clothes and have him act out Abbot & Costello skits with a chimp. Apparently, we are only entertaining her ideas because when I suggested that, I was flat out told no. But I digress. After going through many candidates, we finally decided upon this lovely lady you see here.

She's a three year old English Bulldog and she is wonderfully awesome. The name she came with was Cinnamon, which will be changed because I'm not owning a dog named after a stripper.

Hobos Need Love, Too!

So I guess Ted Williams, the Velvet-Voiced Drifter has got homeless guys everywhere feeling cocky. A friend of mine was at a gas station the other day and a homeless guy came up to her to ask her for a dollar. His next question was a little more forward, as he asked for her number.

Huh? Say what now? The balls on that bastard. He doesn't even have a place to take a chick back to, but that's not stopping him from tryin'! "Hey, if you're not busy, I got a sleeping bag and some Natty Light back at my overpass...you wanna hop in my shopping cart?"

I guess I can't blame the guy...he's still human, he has urges, right? I think if I were a hobo, my sign would either say "Will hump for food" or "Homeless. Hungry. Horny. Interested? God Bless!"

Let's Talk About Stuff

Good day, everyone! While you all beef up on the vitamin C to help get over that wicked case of the Monday's and/or herpes, I thought we'd talk about a few random things. Here we go:

In sports, the Seattle Seahawks shocked the world, taking down the defending champs on Saturday. So much for the mockery of a 7-9 team hosting a playoff game. Enjoy the offseason, New Orleans...try not to be too sad, it could be worse. Hey, remember Hurricane Katrina?

Foot-sex wasn't the only thing putting a smile on the face of Rex Ryan yesterday, as his Jets moved on with a 17-16 victory over the Colts. The loss sends Peyton Manning home for the holidays to join Eli at their folk's ranch for an "Awe, shucks-off". Is it just me or does anyone else think the Mannings were spawned when Gomer Pile & Jeff Foxworthy double-teamed John Elway?

The Chiefs lost to Baltimore in one of the most boring playoff games ever. Fun sidenote: "Somewhere Over the Dwayne Bowe" is my favorite NFL nickname of 2010.

Mike Vick will be heading home early after tossing a pick to effectively end the season against the Packers Sunday night. Boy, he really screwed the pooch this time. (too soon?)


The Beefy Crunch Burrito at Taco Bell is actually quite delicious. That's the one with the firey-hot fritos in it. At $.99 each, its a nice way to spend 15 minutes of your lunch before finishing off the day with 4 hours of explosive diarrhea.

Anyone who hasn't eaten at Howley's Diner in West Palm, you need to get on it, it's freakin' awesome. If you haven't been there....I got 4 words for ya: Bacon Mac and Cheese.

Anyone else see Black Swan yet? Mila Kunis & Natalie Portman make out. It's pretty awesome. I was gonna post a clip for you guys but when I searched "black swan lesbian make out" in google I got distracted. In a related story, you guys know there's a lot of weird porn available on the web?

That's all I got for now...I'll try to post something a little more interesting later on today.

Plumbing is Vulgar

As some of you may already know, during my almost 2 years in Maine, I worked as an apprentice plumber, learning a trade so that I may be gainfully employed anywhere in the world as long as they have toilets. And really, do I want to work in any place that doesn't have toilets? No. But anyway, in doing my apprenticeship, I have learned that a lot of the terminology plumbers use sounds very vulgar. However, in reality, most of these terms refer to very mundane items. Here are a few examples:

Ball Cock
What it actually means: The round, plastic ball in the back tank of your toilet

What I originally thought: A list of 2 of the 3 things in a man's underpants

Common Usage: After falling on the bar on his bicycle, Johnny did a quick inventory of his nether regions to make sure everything was ok, "Ball, cock...ah, crap, somethings missing."


Dykes
What it actually means: Diagonal cutting pliers

What I originally thought: A group or gathering consisting of 2 or more lesbians

Common Usage: Tom had no luck at Lillith Fair, as the crowd was made up of mostly dykes.


Sill Cock
What it actually means: An outside spicket or faucet

What I originally thought: What an exhibitionist refers to his wang as when he's dangling it out the window.

Common Usage: That Carl's a sick bastard...I walked by his apartment the other day and he gave me the ol' sill cock.


Dauber
What it actually means: Foam brush that comes with a can of glue, used to apply fittings

What I originally thought: Slang term used for my junk when I was about 7 or 8 years old

Common Usage: Creepy Ted was arrested & charged with indecent exposure after watching porn in the library and playing with his dauber.


Flapper
What it actually means: Part of the flushing assembly inside the toilet tank

What I originally thought: Slang term for a promiscuous woman's private parts

Common Usage: After years in the prostitution business, Trixie had quite the flapper on her...gaping like a wizard's sleeve or a yawning hippo.


Goop
What it actually means: Common term for pipe compound

What I originally thought: What comes out of your dauber when you stick it in a flapper

Common Usage: Wendy went down on the ol' sailor last night and ended up with an Angry Pirate when my goop splooged right in her eye.

Reamer
What it actually means: Any blade-like pick or rod used for scraping, shaping or widening a hole

What I originally thought: What you did to a chick with a flapper

Common Usage: I took out my dauber and used it to reamer right in the flapper....then I covered her in goop.

I'm sure a lot of you out there were just as confused as I was. Hopefully, you took this opportunity to learn something new, so next time you're at Home Depot or Lowe's, you can show off your newly acquired knowledge.

"Put that on your fuckin' wall!"

This guy caught his nephew posting "gangsta shit" on facebook and was none to pleased about it. His solution? To have his nephew here film his own ass-whoopin' and tell the world that he "ain't no gangsta". My favorite part is at the very end, after he's belted the kids ass several times, he tells his nephew to "put that on your fuckin' wall." We should all put it on our fuckin' walls.

Pug Attack!!!

It doesn't make me want Doritos but at least I'm entertained.

MacCaulay Culkin Is Home Alone

It is being reported that McCaulay Culkin and longtime girlfriend/amazingly-delicious-piece-of-tail Mila Kunis have split-up after 8 years (see what I did there? With the headline? You expect that kind of top-notch, clever journalism when you come here & I'm always glad to deliver. You're welcome). Kunis (who's last name sounds like a synonym for vagina), apparently is not interested in marriage. Either that, or she realized she's amazingly hot & he's McCaulay Culkin.

Culkin could not be reached for comment. Probably because he was home alone...crying. And masturbating. While using his tears as lube. Just a guess. If I got dumped by her, that's what I'd be doing.

Coming This Summer.....

The New Batman trailer is here. I think we can all agree this will be a huge summer blockbuster. Word around Hollywood is that a tabby cat named Mr. Whiskers will play The Riddler and Batman's love interest will be played by a spicy chihuahua named Chiquita.