Turkey Day
Hey everybocy in MySpace land. I will start by saying that my 1987 Dell Shit-Machine T400 is on the fritz, so if you need me, call or text me. It kinda shuts off at random times which makes using my computer that much more suspensefull. As I type this I have no idea if I'll finish or if my computer will shut off. Its kinda like trying to disarm a bomb, but a lot less life-threatening.

Anyhoo, I don't have a very good post for Thanksgiving due to my current technological shortcomings, but I did manage to jot down a few things about Turkey Day that made me wonder, so here you go. Enjoy.

Lets look at the myriad of interesting things that make up Thanksgiving:
-The Food. Turkey, potatos, stuffing (stale bread mashed up with celery in it..mmm, yum), cranberry jello in the shape of the can it came in, sweet potatos with marshmellows melted on top of them (how drunk do you have to be to think "Hmm, these potatos are sweet and they are delicious, but theres something missing....I think I'll put marshmellows on them. I mean they work in my swiss miss hot cocoa, why not on a potato?").
I think maybe the most amazing idea in recent holiday thinking is the idea of the fried turkey. Yes, its not enough that we cram as much food into our mouths as possible, but now we're frying whole turkeys to make sure our arteries don't survive December!!! Fantastic!

-Family & Friends. It's great to have them over at the house for Thanksgiving, because I know I don't feel like such a big fat pig when there are 12 other people cramming food in their mouths like its a "Who Has the Fattest Ass Competition"! (Do they have those contests? Not Booty Contests, because those are basically for strippers in training, but like, Really Big Booty Contests, where people with freakishly large asses square off against each other to compete in random tasks. That would be cool....like who can cram the fatttest ass into the smallest pair of shorts? or Who's ass has the most double chins? Am I the only one who wonders these things?)

-The Seating Arrangments. Its always fun to see the family because, if yours is as messed up as mine, its always interesting checking out the seating arrangment at te dinner table. However, theres never enough room at the main table, so theres usually a "Kiddy Table." And without a doubt, there is at least one person at the kiddy table who is on the verge of adulthood, but unfortunately, none of the older reletives have died yet to clear room at the main table, so poor cousin Timmy gets shit-dicked and ends up relegated to the kiddy table with a bunch of todlers flinging mashed potatos and gravy everywhere and pooping in their pants. Poor cousin Timmy....no onder he dresses in all black and wears eye liner. He's 16 and still sits at the kiddy table. Fifty bucks says he comes out of the closet Christmas Eve.

-The Traditions. There are some weird traditions that have become assiciated with Thanksgiving. In many houses, while Mom cooks all that food, the guys gather round the TV and watch football (Dallas and Detroit are the two teams that always play and somehow became the cities synonimous with Thanksgiving. Yes, thats right, Detroit! Theres a city that just screams togetherness, thankfullness and family unity!) What a nice gift to whoever is preparing the meal. "Hey, need any help in the kitchen hunny? Well, you're gonna have to go screw yourself, because football is on and I can't be bothered to move. But, I would love it if you brought me another beer. And boy am I thankful for you!"

-The Story of the First Thanksgiving. Think about what this holiday is based on....the new colonists celebrating their first winter harvest in the new world. To make nice, they invited the Native Americans over and they shared in a great feast of food and happiness and joy!
Then after dinner, they systematically drove the Native Americans out of their homelands, slaughtered tens of thousands of them, and years later "repaid" them by giving them designated plots called reservations and allowed them to build casinos. Um, hey, thanks for raping our ancestors, how about a free shrimp cocktail and a daqueri while you play our slot machines?

-The Parade. Ok, only women watch the parade. No exceptions. Any guy who says "Yay, I can't wait to see all the costumes and the fun characters...its just so wonderful!!" might as well trade out his turkey leg for a big juicey cock. 'Cause thats just gay.

Anyway, I'm sure there are more things I overlooked, but I am limited with my time as my computer may actually explode at any minute.

Really quick, I will take a moment to get all emo and say I am thankful to be here and for my friends (who are my family) and I love you all!

Happy Turkey Day, bitches.

It’s a Spicey World!
So I log onto my computer this morning, and on yahoo.com they have a headline about the new Spice Girls video. So I thought I'd take a peak.
My thoughts? Well, to be completely honest, the first few seconds sounded horrible, so I turned the sound down and Tool was on 93.1 which I turned up and listened to instead.
The result?
Not bad! Actually, I am really excited about this comeback attempt. I mean, sure, the video is basically the Spice Women (They're not spring chickens anymore, so we can't be calling them "girls") dressed in lingerie, sitting in a dimly lit room and writhing around on the furnature. But you know what? It works. They look pretty hot. Oh my Sweet Lord! How in God's name is that possible?!?!
There is somethign going on in the video that took me a minute to figure out. At one point, Posh- the one that's married to the soccer player- is wearing a very uncomfortable looking number and running her hands though her hair trying to be sexy. She has that same look on her face that she's had since 1996, you know the one, completely expressionless, zero emotion, dead lifeless eyes. Basically, if her mouth was open just a bit more, she could pass for a blow-up sex doll. And the rest of them aren't much better.
So why in the name of the Knights of Columbus was I finding this kinda hot?
Then I figured it out!! Let me explain. Five women of varrying levels of attractiveness, all scantilly clad, dancing slowly to some rock song blaring in the background, while they look disinterested and lifeless.....sound familliar?
It should. Because its basically a strip club. They take girls who are not necessarily the hottest you've ever seen, not the kind of girls you'd take home to meet Mom & Dad (well, maybe Dad)....they dress them up in outfits no normal girl would ever wear outside of halloween, and have them "dance" to whatever random rock song is popular at the moment. The result? Unexplained hotness!!
Think about it. Nudie Bars are open 365 days a year. Easter? Yep. Thanksgiving? You know it. Christmas Eve? You bet your sweet g-string'd ass!
So the Spice Ladies are making a comeback (and apparently basing their new look on the idea that Clothing-Optional Gentlemans Establishments are a million dollar industry)....I love it! I'm all for it!
As a matter of fact, get out your dollar bills!! Lets get Posh to the main stage! Posh to the main stage!!! Ginger on the V.I.P. We've got Scary and Baby coming up next and 2-for-1 dances all night long!!!Woo-hooo!!! It's a Spicey World and I got a pocket full of singles!!!

No, but seriously, the song sucks and this is gonna be a train wreck.

Halloween Candy
Can someone please tell me what the hell "rich, creamy nuget" is? Because I just ate a 3 musketeers bar and now I'm freaked out and scared for my life!
I mean, seriously, what the fuck is it? Its not as chewey as the caramel in a milkey way. Not as crunchy as the nuts in a snickers. Not as gooey and crispy as the caramel/crispy rice in a hundred grand bar. Don't even ask me whats in a "O, Henry" bar. Anything chewy and chocolaty that makes me scream "O, Henry" I want no part of. Fuck that.
And did I even spell "nuget" right?!?! It's phonetically pronounced "Noo'-git" but how in the hell does one spell that?!?! Is it "Newgit" or is it "Nooget" or is there some foreign symbol or letter from a cyrillic alphabet that I don't even know about. I mean, dammit, is anyone else as worried about rich, creamy nuget as much as I am right now?
I feel like nuget may be seman from a three-legged magical chocolate half-unicorn, half-duck billed platypus with the head of Rosie O'Donnel and the temperment of an angry, fire-breathing dragon, who lives in the hills outside Hershey, PA. Is that weird? Yeah. Yeah, it probably is weird. But that doesn't make it not true.

Woody Loves October

It's October 31st.....the last day of the month.
I would have to say that October is easily one of my 12 favorite months of the year. Why? Well, there are actually quite a few reasons...here they are:
First of all, it's fall. The leaves are turning, the colors are soooo beautiful. Ugh, it's like the earth tones in the Pottery Barn catalog exploded all over the trees! Just gorgeous!!!
Also, the weather starts to cool down just a bit. It goes from swelteringly hot temperatures that make you want to put crushed ice in your underpants, to moderately hot temperatures that make you want to sit bare assed in a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Not that I've ever done that before....moving on.
October is also the month of Octoberfest!! A whole month long festival dedicated to beer, sausage, polka music and leder-hosen. And who doesn't love leder-hosen?
And lastly, October is the month that is home to Halloween, All Hallow's Eve, Devil's Night and Dress-Like-a-Whore Night.
Seriously, when did halloween celebrations become fodder for boobs and breast-a-sesses? (not that I'm complaining)
When I was young, I had costumes with the plastic mask that had that cheap rubber band and the plastic suit without any ventilation that stuck to you after a while because you sweated so much in it; and by the end of the night, you were carrying the mask because the rubber band broke 17 times and you just didn't care anymore....as long as you got candy! It was about the candy....that sweet, sweet candy.
Nowadays, no one cares about the candy. For guys, its mostly all about having a funny costume. For girls, its all about picking a profession, and then dressing as the "hooker" version of said profession.
Its the one day of the year women can dress like complete and total tramps and its accepted.
"Why be a nurse when I can be a slutty nurse?"
"Why be a pirate when I can be a slutty pirate?"
"Why be a tax accountant when I can be a slutty tax accountant?"
Well, you know what, gilrs? I think I'm doing that next year! No more silly costumes for me! Next year, you're all getting a little eye-candy courtesy of the Wonder Wood! Instead of being a pumpkin....I'm gonna be a SLUTTY pumpkin.....with my ass cheeks hanging out....and maybe the tip of my wang....I don't know...I don't know if I'll have enough time. But whatever it takes to make it sexy!!!
In the mean time, Happy Halloween y'all!

Love,

Woody