Facebook Status of the Year

Seriously, this girl needs to loosen up and check out all that life has to offer. Its not all just slow dancing & John Hughes movies.

In a related story, I wonder what her plans are this weekend.....

Best Headline Ever? You're Goddamned Right It Is.


This Fat Bitch From Jersey Eats Christmas Dinner Like A Motherfucker (click for story)


I really can't add anything else to this. She's a disgusting pig of a human. That headline sums up the story perfectly.


However, in the comments below the article, one person asks where'd she get that black daughter. A few comments later, someone notes "You're surprised a fat white chick has a half black daughter?" Ahh, anonymous internet commenters....thank you for your stereotypical racism. It's what keeps America going.

Vindicated!

Thanks to Yahoo! & Men's Health, an article came out today that once and for all dispels the rumors and slanderous accusations that have been slung at the bacon industry by the radical, right-wing health Nazis. While it also discusses some of the so called healthy foods that may not be healthy at all, like yogurt, guacamole, Bac-Os, it also touches on how disgusting fast-food burgers are (as if we really needed a study to tell us McDonald's burger paddies are bad).

However, what I found interesting was the part where they discussed turkey bacon. Apparently, this pork substitute made from the other, other white meat, isn't as healthy as the pro-poultry propaganda would have us believe. It contains all kinds of weird additives & crap, and in most cases it's also higher in sodium content.

So if it's bacon you seek, stick with the oinky original & save the turkey for Thanksgiving.

With a name like bacon, it's gotta be good.

Today's Top Story

Man Jailed, Accused of Marinating His Cat

Gary Korkuc, of western New York, was arrested and charged with felony aggravated cruelty to an animal, as well as several traffic violations after police found a cat marinating in his trunk. Korkuc, who admitted the cat was being marinated for a meal, was stopped for running a stop sign, and after a routine search of the vehicle, they found a live cat in his trunk sitting in a liquid marinade consisting of olive oil, salt, crushed pepper & other spices. Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows cats taste best in a barbecue/teriyaki blend.

The cat, who was being marinated alive & with all his fur, was fine after several baths, and has already been adopted by a new family. My only question: who marinates a cat before shaving it? Doesn't everyone prefer a nicely shaved kitty?

The Week in Review

Happy Tuesday, everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Chinese New Year, Polish Easter, English Boxing Day, Jesus's Birthday or whatever you celebrated. I hope Sinterklaus brought you everything you asked for and more. For example, I didn't ask for it, but I got 10 extra lbs. Probably from all the gravy I ate. I'm sure the metric ton of food underneath the gravy didn't help either.

I had a wonderfully light holiday weekend. Thursday I left work early, went to happy hour at 2:30 in the afternoon. I'll tell you what...happy hour is a lot happier when you don't have to work a full day before hand. Then afterwards, we hit up Outback Steakhouse for dinner. Quick side note: Just because their slogan is "no rules, just right"...doesn't mean there aren't rules there. They very definitely have a rule against pants-less dining. Or at least the one by me does.

Anyway, after dinner, we saw the movie Black Swan, a classic tale of "girl-meets-girl, girl-doses-girl-with-extacy, girl-twat-boxes-girl, girl-gives-gritty-performance-of-her-life". Directed by Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler), it was actually very good, regardless of the fact that it was about ballet dancers. Natalie Portman deserves an Oscar nomination. Mila Kunis deserves a date with me. I'd take her roller skating & we could share French fries.

Saturday, I slept, watched the NBA (where nap time happens), had dinner with Dom & her parents and got the new Madden 2011. I also got a new pair of shoes, so now I have nothing to yell when I play craps.

Sunday, the Bucs rolled over the Seattle Seahawks. Josh Freeman threw 5 TDs for Tampa; Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck ran for a touchdown in the first quarter, walked into the endzone without being touched, then grabbed his hip. It may be time to retire when you break a hip without any physical contact.

This week is going to be a busy one....let's take a look at the schedule:
Wednesday night - Poker Night
Thursday night - Karaoke
Friday night - New Years at Jims
Saturday night - Alison's birthday party
Sunday - the last day of the regular season (single tear)

I haven't been this excited since Dawson's Creek premiered.

Happy Birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crappy music!

Ladies & gentlemen, if you love Christmas music, you need to watch this video about one of the most beloved Christmas songs of all time.

Also, ladies & gentlemen, if you hate Christmas music, you need to watch this video about one of the most horrible Christmas songs of all time.

Also, if you're a Jew, a Muslim, Buddhist, Taoist or any other religion that doesn't celebrate the birth of Christ, you need to watch this video about one of the most bullshit religion's holiday songs ever.

Basically, just watch the clip...its a bit lengthy, but its worth it.

"Who's up for a few shots of Savior-meister?"

Happy birthday, Jesus!



To celebrate the birthday of the new born, 6 lb. 8 oz. tiny, baby Jesus, laying there in the manger, with his frankincense & myrhh, I'd like to discuss a few holiday traditions.

Mistletoe - A lot of people may not know this, but its actually mildly poisonous. It won't kill you, but it will give you acute gastrointestinal issues and leave you on the toilet with severe stomach pain & diarrhea. Yay, now lets all stand underneath it and make out!!

Christmas Music - For some reason, they start playing that shit in what seems like October. Aside from singing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...", I'm not a huge fan of Christmas music. I felt bad for Ruldoph not being allowed in Reindeer Games. I always thought that movie coulda used a little more Rudolph and a little less Affleck.

Egg Nog - Guess what....its elf jizz. You're welcome.

Christmas Cookies - Nothing wrong with that.

Santa Claus - A.K.A. Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Sinterklaaus. Happy holidays, ladies...he's comin' down your chimney tonight.

For those of you who love to decorate the house for Christmas, I'll let the great Jim Gaffigan explain how crazy you really are.

The Word of the Year

The 2010 Word of the Year was announced: Austerity - (n.) austere quality; severity of manner, life, etc.

(*Gasps, drops monocle into teacup*) The audacity of those esoteric Carpetbaggers!! Whatevs. I'm not sure I even know what I just said. (*fart noise*)

As far as I know, that is not the word of the year. Everybody knows about the REAL word of the year. For those of you who are not aware, please see the video below:

Can't See The Dairy Queen For The Trees!

I have a big problem with all these cities & towns that are so concerned with looking quaint & beautiful that they pass laws to beautify in spite of function. For example, Coral Springs & Boca Raton, Florida are flooded with vanilla-looking, cookie-cutter strip malls, they do not allow neon signs, signs over a certain height, etc.

Boca doesn't even allow car dealerships, and certainly not nudie bars. But that's not where my problem lies. I can go to another town if I want to see nude women or buy a car or buy a car from a nude woman.

No, my problem lies in the fact that today I wanted a milkshake. Yep, that's all. I just wanted a milkshake. And I couldn't get one. "Why?" you ask. Well, I'll tell you. Its because there aren't any God damned signs for places of business in Coral Springs unless they're on the buildings themselves. And Dairy Queen is no exception! So I couldn't find the damn place!! (side note: doesn't that sound like a great name for a Gay Kingpin of the Milk Business? I bet there would be some serious mafia wars between the Dairy Queen and the Cheese Queer. But ANYWAY...)

So where was I? Oh, right...not a big deal, right? Well, it wouldn't be if I could see the friggin' building! They planted trees along all the main roads so if you want to read a storefront sign you gotta drive 20 mph and try to peek through the trees, all the while the people behind you are honking at you to speed up and flicking you off as they speed by! And the people in front of you, unbeknownst to them, are in serious peril of being rear-ended, because you're not looking where you're going! Oh no! You gotta look in the bushes for the stupid Dairy Queen in the strip mall that looks exactly like every other strip mall along that 10 mile strip of road!

I knew about where the Dairy Queen was, but because of all the trees and that whole "no sign" thing, I couldn't find it. Its horse shit! If I was a small business owner, I would not stand for it. No wonder we have homeless guys with signs everywhere!! There aren't any big, obnoxious neon signs anymore to tell me where shit is, so I need some drunk hobo who doesn't speak English to point in the general direction of the shit I'm looking for!!

In the meantime, I settled for a 1lb bag of peanut butter M&Ms and a diet Dew. A weak substitute at best. So, if you're out tonight and you happen to have a milkshake and I happen to see you through the trees....watch out. I just might take that shit.

For those of you who only know Prince as a weird symbol or as a tiny little man singing falsetto about a Raspberry Beret, you should also know he also is quite an accomplished musician. This clip is from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.
Fastforward to the 3:28 mark if you don't feel like watching the entire thing. Then prepare to bask in the awesomeness that is about 3 minutes of the sickest guitar solo ever. I love how he just drops his guitar after he's done and walks off the stage. Ree-Gosh-Darn-Diculous!

To those of you who followed me here from Facebook, thank you! I will do my best to make this interesting and/or funny and keep you coming back!

In the meantime, I'll be taking it easy this weekend after a rowdy 3 days this past Friday, Saturday & Sunday. You know you have a drinking problem when you walk into a bar and the bartender knows your name......and you've never been to that bar. Yikes!