Straight Outta Compton

Ice Cube was a founding member of NWA, which stands for (N-words) With Attitude. They made some of the angriest music ever, enthralling middle class white kids every where. I know because I was one of them.

Then he went solo, which was also hardcore, awesome gangsta rap. Then he acted in movies. He started off playing an angry, badass black guy in Boyz N The Hood. Then played an angry, badass black guy in Higher Learning. Basically what I'm saying is, Ice Cube was pretty awesome.

In the mean time, Eazy-E died of AIDS from having sex with way too many hoodrats. Yella started making porn, starring lots of hoodrats. Dre has released several quality albums & videos, starring, among other, hoodrats. I think MC Ren works at a Target in Compton...no word on if there are any hoodrats involved.

And, um...Ice Cube has a show on TBS.

Something doesn't seem right here.

Sore Testes > Bad Credit.

About an hour ago, my 50 lb English Bulldog walked across my lap on the couch and absolutely destroyed my testicles in the process, just destroyed them...particularly Ol' Lefty.
There really is no pain like having a ball mashed...it's just horrific. And it's not like you can ice them, take a couple of nuprin, or apply a heating pad either. Really, there's nothing you can do to make it better. It's like having bad credit, you just have to wait it out and eventually it'll improve.
Actually, taking a jab to the 'nads is way better than having bad credit. At least now my balls feel fine...unfortunately, I still can't get a loan.
In fact, if there's any government programs out there to take an uppercut to the coin purse in exchange for a 745, count me in.

Outbreak: 2011!

So I'm feeling under the weather which is why there hasn't been much going on the last few days, and today I get news that my ladyfriend is feeling ill, too.

If she could've just stayed away for a few days she may not have gotten sick. Damn these rugged good looks!

Although not 100%, I still had enough in the tank for a little rock n roll last night, when I went to Port Saint Lucie, the Redneck South Beach of the Confederacy. My friend Keith Michaud of Summer Blanket fame and I paired up for a few sets at Shindig Irish Pub, under the name The Lit Farts...we're burnin' up the charts and makin' a stink! Future gigs soon to come...prepare yourself to maybe get ready to potentially mark your calendars in pencil.

In the mean time, here's a few stories to entertain you:

~Justin Beiber was shot to death. On TV. Now all we have to do is wait for life to imitate art.

~Cameron Diaz is working out in preparation for her role as Burt Reynolds' character from Deliverance....seriously, check out those guns. Damn, Cameron, you're one buff dude.

Detroit is getting a Robocop Statue

In what may be the coolest thing ever (I'm still checking my file of History's Coolest Things), Detroit has reached its fundraising goal for a Robocop statue.

In response, I've got a shiny new nickel to start off my campaign to build a statue of The Punisher flanked on his left by Martin Lawrence & Will Smith from Bad Boys, and on his right Edward Scissorhands (filmed mostly in Tampa).

I'd like it to be placed at the mouth of Biscayne Bay, warding off any wayward refugees who may float towards our golden sandy beaches. Kind of like the Anti-Statue of Liberty.

Who's with me?

White Trash Olympics Update
Event: Arm Wrestling/Domestic Abuse

A Port St. Lucie, FL man was arrested over the weekend for domestic battery on his ladyfriend. While being arrested, the man, who was apparently inspired by Will Ferrell's claims of driving a Dodge Stratus, yelled "I'm a champion arm wrestler! I can bench press 600 lbs! I'm gonna kick all your (expletive) out!"
That you for that, Florida. Whenever one of those other states tries to out-white-trash us, we do our best and go for the gold!
West Virginia offers a heartwarming teacher-bangs-students story? Psshh, we've got the Student-Banging-Teacher-of-the-Year in Debra Lafave...and she's actually hot.
Kentucky had a guy forced to eat his own beard in a lawn-mower fight?
We'll see your beard-eater and raise you a guy who crammed 63% of the products sold at CVS into his bunghole in an attempt to smuggle them into jail.
Nice try, rednecks of the world....give Florida a call when you're ready to get serious.

Everything is Sexier in West Virginia

It seems its a lot easier to lose your virginity these day, as not only are kids sexting each other and becoming interested in the physical act of love at younger ages, but more & more teachers are doing their part to help out. I'm talking about the real heroes people, the teachers! The ones who take part in three-ways with 14-year-old boys.

But Woody, what about the poor bastard who arrived late to the gang-bang because he was playing Marco Polo by himself in the pool, does he get left out?

Heck no!

She's gonna chug his snorkel and then help him with his math homework.

Have no idea what I'm talking about? Me either, as I've been huffing fermented cat urine all morning. But this article may help clear things up. Also, here's a picture of the lovely lady. Hey, West Virginia, why do you hog all the pretty ones?

Good God, is it only Wednesday?

Looks Like Someone Forgot to Knock on Wood

All season long, Visa ran a commercial featuring the "Never Missed A Superbowl" club, a group of 4 rich, old guys who, for the past 44 years, have completely blown-off family & friends in favor of an over-hyped football game. One particular member, 79 year old Bob Cook wanted to make it to at least Super Bowl 50.
Well, Karma, Death, Murphy's Law, severe blood infections & other chronic issues had other ideas, as Bob's run stopped at 44. And as luck would have it, Bob was a Packers fan, so at least he got to go out a winner. Now, let me tell you about how the other 3 skipped the Super Bowl to be at their friend's side while he was on his deathbed.
Haha, just kidding, they went to the game.
But seriously, when you're 79 years old, you don't openly mock death on TV.
Didn't you see Final Destination, Final Destination 2, Final Destination 3, Fi4al Destina4ion, Fast & Furious & Final: Destination 5, Thelma & Louise: The Final Destination and Finally Final Christmas Destination Vacation?? (Ed's note: I only made up 1 of those titles)
No one cheats death!! He's gonna get you!! He doesn't take that shit lightly. At the very least, he shoulda knocked on wood.

Tampa Mom Tased, Arrested, Tan

Well, Florida, you've done it again. A 19 year old mother in Tampa was tased after resisting arrest. What was she being arrested for? For leaving her baby in her car. Why was her baby left in the car? Well, she couldn't bring it inside the tanning salon, that would be ridiculous. Actually, she tried to bring it in, but they told her there was no daycare while you tan.
"Pshhh, what do you mean you won't watch my baby while I get my bronze on?!? Ugh, fine! I'll go put it in the car."
That's when someone called the po-po. Apparently some people think infants shouldn't be left in cars...its not like she didn't turn the car on and run the A/C. Bunch of squares in Tampa...Gosh.

Just for fun, here's what the future Mother-of-the-Year candidate put on her facebook that day:
"Wit my lil mama then i might go out for the first time yay! dk if i can leave her tho...So maybe just a drink wen she asleep. love my baby!"

Seriously, I hope that taser left her womb barren and cold.

This Ain't Your Granny's Grammys

The Grammys are the music equivalent of the Oscars, which basically means its the music industry sniffing their own farts and giving each other congratulatory suck-jobs. But the people pay attention to it so fuck it, let's take a peak at what's going on.
Glee, which I've decided is just an abbreviation for Glorified Karaoke, is nominated for an award. Also, one of the cast members is touring this year. What the hell is wrong with music in America? They don't even write their own songs...they do covers!! Why are they famous?

And what about all the other artists?!? Beibers & Kanyes & Drakes, oh my! It's crazy! It's unbelievable! It's the 2011 Grammys! But seriously, folks, mainstream music is really just terrible.

So apparently, Lady (Kevin) Gaga arrived at the show in an egg-like orb, which her people said was a "womb". She's is incubating until her performance. In a related story, I'll be apathetically wanking frequently tonight. But back to Good Ol' Kev Gaga....a lot of people say she's so creative and she's a genius. I gotta say...this whore is pretty much ridiculous. Though I guess if I was only marginally talented I'd have to come up with several bat-shit insane gimmicks to cover up for the fact that I don't bring much to the table. (I actually do that all the time, it's usually when I don't have much to say; those are the days you guys get to see youtube videos or pictures of my dog...whatevs, bra, you're gettin' this shiz for free, stop complaining).

Sara Bareilles is pretty cute...but she's got one heck of a schnoz on her. Wow. That thing is pretty sizable for such a tiny waifish chick. Good news for her: if this whole music thing doesn't work out, she can always start shilling fruit loops. "Follow your nose! It always knows!!" (I feel bad about making a fruitloops joke at her expense...not because she's a talented artist, which she is, but mostly because I'm a Cap'n Crunch guy)

Don't look now, kids, but Will Smith's daughter is at the Grammys. She has a "hit single". That's great. She's worked so hard...she deserves her success. Hey, speaking of tiny Fresh Royalty, has anyone talked to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air about a vasectomy? Seriously, between the Chocolate Karate Kid remake and the daughter with the song about her hair, I'm all set with the Smith Family.

To be honest, I really cannot stand 97% of this shit. I need to just come to grips with the fact that I'm too old for current pop music, and quite frankly, kind of a music snob. I mean, none of these current groups can hold a candle to Right Said Fred. Talk about a sound that was lightyears ahead of it's time. America was not ready for the raw animal magnetism that was a shaved, muscular man, strutting around in a mesh tank top & short-shorts. Was he too sexy? Some would say yes. I say not quite sexy enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk.

America? F*ck Yeah!

I am not getting too excited about this, because after all its just the Human Torch in a different pair of underoos. But Captain America looks like it might not be too bad.
I'll tell you what helps is the fact that someone took the trailer, cut it to 25 seconds and gave it an awesome soundtrack.

Fort Wayne, Indiana has Harry Baals to thank for its rich & prosperous past. That's right, Fort Wayne's longest tenured mayor was named Harry Baals. And recently, an on-line vote to name a new government building in Fort Wayne has decided that the citizens of Fort Wayne are most in favor of Harry Baals. However, Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy is not a fan of Harry Baals. She doesn't want Harry Baals anywhere near the new building.
Look, I could go on making "hairy balls/Harry Baals" jokes all morning, but I think we both have better things to do. Here's a link to the story if you feel like reading more. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to read The Tiger's Revenge by Claude Balls.

Hurry Up, Doc Brown

It's Wednesday and holy crap, do I wish it was the weekend. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just fast forward a few days here & there, time machine style? I'd ride out in a DeLorean, I like flip-up doors. Where are the flying cars and time machines and sex robots that science promised us? And for the love of Tony Hawk, where is my hover board?!?

Anyway, there's not much going on, aside from very serious things, like civil unrest in Egypt. I hope nothing happens to the pyramids, I don't see the Jews lining up to rebuild 'em if those fuckers get damaged.

In entertainment news, Lindsay Lohan may be charged with felony theft, which is a way more serious charge than drinking & driving, which doesn't make much sense to me. No one ever drove a stolen necklace through a plate glass window, killing several innocent bystanders or "accidentally" chugged a 12 pack on the interstate and plowed into a toll-booth with a shop-lifted Sony Walkman.

But who am I to judge? Toss her in the clink where she'll be forced to munch some giant butch inmates yeasty trout-stenched piss canal for a few nights...I guarantee she cleans up her act.

I'll be going to the Hot Rod Live show next Tuesday at Johnnie Brown's on Atlantic Ave in Delray Beach. Anyone who's seen the show tells me it's a ridiculously fun experience. I'll give you this quote from his website: "....a middle-aged impersonator who gets toasted on stage and hits on any sentient female being who wanders into his line of sight....will ya think he's sexy? You better believe it!" I'll have a full review next week.

I'll try to get back later today with some fun stuff...until then, here's a book that may be inappropriate for children:

More like Sub-Par Bowl, right? (*fart noise*)

Ok, so it wasn't the week long, record-setting spectacle that Jerry Jones and the NFL envisioned. After a week of crappy weather, piss-poor planning (1200 paying fans lost their seats just hours before the game because of the temporary seating had not yet been approved by fire marshals), and anticipation of how the Black Guy Pees would do at halftime (hint: it was shitty), the Super Bowl finally kicked off.

The game itself, though oft-interrupted by a mostly average collection of commercials, was not bad.

Jumping out to a quick lead, the Green Bay Packers forced 3 turnovers and their defense held off the unwanted advances of Ben Roethlisberger & the Steelers to take home their 1st championship since Brett Favre & his penis texted their way to victory in 1996.

The pre-game and half time festivities, however, left much to be desired. That's a polite way of saying they were excruciatingly painful to watch.

It was like someone crammed three screaming, screeching, angry monkeys into the enormous, gaping anal cavity of a diarrhea-afflicted sumo wrestler, and then each one of them was disturbingly shat back out for our viewing displeasure, one disgustingly unpleasant, audible turd-pie at a time.

The chick from Glee sang "America the Beautiful". I would have rather heard Ray Charles sing it. I know he's dead. I'm assuming it still would've sounded better.

Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem. Or at least some of it. Apparently, being a new mommy has hindered her ability to memorize a song with only 8 lines. But at least her kid gets to have his mommy sing half-assed versions of night time lullabies to him. "Rock a bye baby, down the tree falls, the cradle will break, and down will come baby, the home of the brave! Good night, sweetheart."
Last, and certainly least, Fergie, Will i. am, Lou Diamond Phillips's cousin Kip Diamond Phillips (seriously, those dudes gotta be related) and a 4th guy took the stage for the Half Time Woodstock-of-Horseshit.

(See? Told you they could be related)

What they did on that stage can only be classified as a hate crime against music. If I was a proper musician, I'd be pressing charges and visiting the cast of Las & Order: SVU to get my musical vagina checked out. Usher & Slash should also be brought in for questioning as accomplices in the case of date-raping the ear-holes of millions.

But, once you looked past all the malarkey, the game itself was actually decent, if not ridiculously long due to the extended commercial breaks.

I could do with less movie trailers and more dogs playing poker and such. In the mean time, hurry up, NFL, and get your shit together. You need to work out a labor agreement before next year so we're not stuck with bowling, the WNBA & arena league football. Plus, don't you need to book next year's half time show starring Justin Beiber and the next American Idol?

P.S. Sweet Jesus, I am kidding about the Beiber. Please do not make that happen.

Can't They Do Anything Original?!?

So one of the glorified karaoke singers from Glee sang "America The Beautiful" last night. What the hell, man? Is it impossible for those damn kids to sing something original? Gosh!

In other news, I'll be back later today with some news & notes from the weekend. Stay tuned!

Super Sunday Features Not-So-Super Half-Time Show

Or, as I plan on calling it "My time to get more beer, wings, take a dump & maybe rub one out, depending on the duration of the dump".

It's Friday, it's Super Bowl weekend, and I'm kinda pissed off. Why? Because we're going to be subjected to Black Guy Pees in the friggin half time show.

I hate that damn group. Hate them. Hate. Them.

Fergie has a decent rack, but she pee's her pants (see pic below), so eff that. Will I. Am has an annoying name. Do I spell my name Woo D. Eee? No I do not, because I'm not a douche. And those other two? I have no idea what they do. That one guy looks like Lou Diamond Phillips stunt double from Young Guns. Just...really, please stop. I understand last year, with The Who, was not the best. They are a little old, but that doesn't mean take the steamiest, poppiest "musical" turd you can and serve it up to the millions watching. There are quite a few acts that they could've gotten that would have been great. I'm gonna toss a few out that my friend Chuck Deuce & I discussed last week.

(Feel free to offer others in the comments section)

The Police - recently reunited for the first time in a long ass time for an extremely successful tour. I'm sure Sting could use the money to buy more candles for his 18 hour tantric love-making sessions.

Foo Fighters - New album coming out soon, would be ripe for promo of the new material, have a decent US following, huge in Europe, very non-threatening, guaranteed to do a fun cover or two.

Billy Joel & Elton John - I don't care who you are, you get the Rocket Man on stage with the Piano Man and that's a formula for success.

I'd even take Niel Diamond over some poppy abortion like Black Guy Pees, for Christ's sake.

There was that so difficult? Give some of those guys a call for next year please. In the meantime, here's a nice little cover of "London Calling" by The Clash, performed by some guys named Bruce, Elvis & Dave and a few dudes from some other bands. No big whoop.

Happy Weekend. And once again, Go Pack.

I Hate You

Years ago, when I still thought alcohol was a sport and every evening was spent trying to out-drink everyone until I couldn't feel feelings or say multi-syllabic words, I would partake in beers, shots, shots and beers and then when all was said and done, I'd have 1 last shot...you know, for the road.
Now, I drink good beer because it tastes good. I sip it, savor it and enjoy the evening. I also enjoy the morning after, mostly because I don't have a headache or a rugged case of the shits. This is what its like when I consume adult beverages now.
Except for last night, when one of my A-hole friends decided to be a jerk and buy shots. Several shots. Really? Jagermeister? Are we 19 years old again? Dude, its Wednesday night, lets take it slow...its not a competition.
But of course, peer pressure is a helluva drug.
So now, its Thursday morning, and I feel like dump. Not like I have to take a dump. I feel like the actual dump itself. I feel like poo. Like a great big steamy poo.
Ugh...I hate shots.

Happy Groundhog Day

Its Groundhog Day, that special day when a thing happens with a groundhog, and if he agrees that there is a low pressure system coming out of the north, then it means winter sucks, but if he sees a shadow then he goes on spring break to Cancun and bangs a Guinna pig. Or something like that. I could be wrong. What do I look like? A weatherologist? Go call Al Roker.

(Bill Murray echos my sentiments)