The Call of the Not-So-Wild, or A Gentle Reminder of How Awesome My Friends Are

I went to happy hour on Friday with a select group of folks from work. This came about because of a lunch conversation during which we mentioned how blah and vanilla everyone seems to be in our office. This bunch seemed to have the potential to be a fun bunch, able to riff about pop culture nonsense on the same level as me, and liked most of the same things I did. Add some alcohol to this mix and we should have the recipe for a pretty good time.  Or so I thought.

We carefully selected our test group for this first happy hour, making sure to only bring people we wouldn’t mind knowing how we behave outside of work. A fun and well-stocked bar near Boston Common was selected and we made our way. During the 10 minute subway ride, the discussion was mostly work stuff…I figured they’re probably just waiting until we’re in a more comfortable setting to start up the stories of times they drank 22 beers during a 4 hour car ride, and other stories of high jinks that every normal person gets into.
We arrived at our location, bellied up to the bar, and placed our orders:
A house red wine, not the most fun, but whatever, to each their own.

Another wine, this one something I can pronounce, but not spell, so I’ll just say it was red-ish.

A draft beer, one of the funky brands on tap; good selection, ok, now we’re getting somewhere.

A double IPA (my order), in the bottle, thank you, no glass is needed. I have no time for pouring! Besides, my beverage was immediately enveloped by my trusty coozy, all the better to keep it cool and delicious, you see.

After ordering, the conversation picked back up and was still work-based. Hmm…this is got to stop before it makes my Friday evening suck. So I asked what plans everyone had for the weekend.  One was hanging with her sister, catching up on some DVR’d TV, the other was relaxing after just coming back from vacation, and the third was heading to a late dinner that night with a friend, then probably shopping with her boyfriend that weekend. Jeez, it sounded blah. All I needed was Frank the Tank saying there might even be a trip to Home Depot…you know, if there’s enough time.

We eventually moved to a table, and chatter bounced from work to some of the places around Boston that are fun to go for a beer and an appetizer. Helpful restaurant suggestions to be sure, but still a little tame. No one felt the need to share any new ridiculously convoluted sexual positions with colorful names, like the Jamaican Chimney Sweep or the Mexican Avalanche.  No one decided to randomly break into song, or serenade the next table with Journey, or even John Cougar Mellencamp.  And no one really seemed all that excited to be out and about in a wonderful city on a Friday night, pay day at that, a little money in our pockets and an appetite for silliness.

What the shit?

That’s when I realized something: Florida isn’t the most delightful place; that’s why I left. But it’s not necessarily things in a place that make it wonderful.  It’s the people. And in Florida, I know a lot of people who live there amongst the riff-raff (quite possibly making up a significant part of the riff-raff population) who are delightfully whimsical and with whom a good time can be had anywhere, anytime, doing quite literally anything.  After six months in Boston, I’m still on the lookout for similar personalities up here.

But it appears these folks, these co-workers so carefully plucked to partake in a happy hour/get-to-know-you session, whose potential hinted they could possibly develop into outside-of-work friends, and maybe even partner-in-crime level buddies…just don’t cut the mustard.  So my quest to meet fun people in Boston will continue, and it will continue outside of my workplace.  I tried to find some panache beneath the beige facades some people put up at work, but apparently underneath the beige are layers of off-white, eggshell, and mother-of-pearl.

So what does this mean? Am I far too rowdy to hang out with work people? I refuse to believe that.  In fact, some of my best friends, those I’ve had the zaniest of times with, are people I’ve met through work. Maybe all my wonderfully insane friends back home have set the bar too high for these mere mortals to live up to.  Maybe I’ll have to lower my standards, or at least my expectations. Not everyone can be Big Jim P, or Chuck Deuce, or Keef, or the Panda, or Rico, or Ska Mike, or Wild Turkey Pete, or Scuba Steve, or Frankie Slims, or Lumpy, or…well, you get the idea. So, I guess it’s safe to say not only should you not dip your pen in the company ink…you probably shouldn’t go drinking with it either, lest you be disappointed at how bland it is.

No Smoking. Unless I Can Have A Beer.

Why do smokers get to take 5-8 ten minute smoke breaks a day, while the rest of us work a full day?
I get it, you have an addiction and need a fix. Aw, poor babies. Listen, I like booze, you don't see me going outside to pound a can of miller every hour. You can't keep your addiction at bay for 8 hours? Suck it up, Sally-Puffs-a-Lot. You smell like a burned ass anyways. Also, your yellow teeth and ashtray breath are offensive to two of my five senses.

I'm back, so let's get to know each other.

Good afternoon, everyone...it's been a while since I've posted so I figured we'd share some Get-to-Know-You time with a few fun facts about me:

1. I think bacon can and should be incorporated into every meal.

2. I'm not too concerned about cholesterol.

3. I love and appreciate music more and more as every day goes by.

4. A great portion of my sense of humor has not changed or matured since the age of 12.

5. A wise man once told me, "It doesn't matter what you do out there, as long as you own it," and I find that it pertains to much more than just karaoke. (Thanks Mark!)

6. Cold weather is better than hot weather in moderation. However, at no time is 20 below 0 better than anything.

7. Drugs are overrated.

8. Sex and rock & roll are not.

9. Regardless of how much you excel at making finger puppets, they are not appropriate at funerals.

10. I make a darn sassy cowboy.

11. I enjoy a good strawberry milkshake every once and a while.

12. I like museums, have eclectic taste in music and I enjoy artsy-fartsy movies.

13. I like hole-in-the-wall bars, enjoy AC/DC, and Ghostbusters is my favorite movie.

14. I became a fan of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because of Super Bowl XIX.  The Dolphins colors bugged me, and when they lost to the 49-ers, my six-year-old mind thought it meant they were horrible, completely misunderstanding how big an accomplishment it was just to get to the Super Bowl.  So I chose the other home state team, Tampa Bay.  Plus, I was six...pirates were (and still are) way cooler than dolphins.
15. I drink far too much Diet Mountain Dew and will probably glow fluorescent green or yellow for years after I am dead because of it.

16. I will own a pig as a pet at some point in my life and plan on naming him Kevin Bacon.

17. Once, I drank 37 beers in an afternoon. Once.

18. I know that the 2 tallest "mountains" in the state of Florida are man-made and owned by Disney.

19. I once piloted the Good Year Blimp. And, no, that is not a euphemism for bedding a "fattie."

20. I once met Don King at Costco a week before Mike Tyson's comeback from prison fight and he had a cart full of toilet paper. Like 50 rolls. Maybe he needed it for the fight, but I like to think he just poo's a lot.

21. For the majority of my "adult life," I had bunk-beds and a refrigerator in my bedroom.

22. Although she is not my cup of tea, I think Hilary Swank is a very handsome woman.

23. I have played basketball since I was about 10 years old, and I'm not much better now than I was at sixteen. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm worse.

24. I once drank a half a bottle of absinthe and have no idea what happened for the rest of the day. If anyone has any information as to the goings-on of that afternoon, please e-mail me.

25. I like to read and I enjoy cooking.

Songs You Probably Don't Have On Your iTunes

(...But Totally Should)

So there are songs that you have on your iTunes regardless of whether you're an amateur rock aficionado (The Beatles - "Revolution") and there are songs that only you & your select group of cool friends have on your iTunes,  (Uncle Tupelo - "Before I Break").

Well, regardless of which group to which you belong, I'm here to tell you there are songs and groups you might be missing.  That's right.  Stuff that is amazing.  Wicked sweet.  Kinda nerdy.  Occasionally rocking yet possibly ridiculously hilarious or totally ironic at the same time.  That's right...awesome songs.  And, just like the female classmate that developed a cute smile & sneaky-nice boobs in 6th grade, but you never noticed 'em until Senior Skip Day 6 years too late, I'm here to point out those under-the-radar, kick-ass-sex-pot songs to you now...so you can totally brag that you knew about them all along.

"What songs are those?" you might ask. "I don't want to miss out on the well-endowed musical bosom of my childhood any longer!!"  Well, you impatient bastard, luckily, the Wood is here for you.  He's here to scoop up those songs that were only cool in their perspective groups, those songs that were awesome to those that knew them, but otherwise have gone overlooked by society, or looked at as nerdy and/or ironically cool by those who were swell enough to know those tracks from jump street.

So, without further adieu, here's the list.  You may disagree, but it's only because your hipster scarf is too tight, or your ironic glasses aren't quite in focus.

1)  Katrina & the Waves - Walking on Sunshine
A basic song on the list of dorky songs you should have, and yet, still a contender.  Often overlooked for more commercial 80's songs like "Let's Go Crazy" or "Footloose", "Walking on Sunshine has become the Revenge of the Nerds of 80's songs, becoming cool for not being cool (and also because the bass player's name was "Booger" - ok, I might have made that up).  Seriously, if you can listen to this song without wanting to dance, then you might be the devil, or a closely associated relative.  This song shot all the way to #9 in the US before fading into obscurity.  But not before Katrina and her fellow Waves held on to publishing rights, and enjoyed the song allegedly earning approximately $1million a year from 2000 - 2011.  Bet MC Hammer wishes 2 Legit 2 Quit was still paying like that.

2) REO Speedwagon - Roll With the Changes
From the platinum album You Can Tune a Piano but You Can't Tuna Fish, "Roll With the Changes" was the lesser single to "Time for Me to Fly".  Except for when it came to rockin' drums and sick break-downs.  For example, after the first verse, but the 8-count right before the 2nd verse, it has a sweet pause that was written for the ages, and then kicks right into the 2nd verse. That was the very precise moment when they went from  REO Motor-scooter to Speedwagon.  P.S. Fuck you if you don't like the previous sentence.

3) Rod Stewart - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Oh, what? You hate this song?  Well, I guess you hate children, huh?  Since royalties from this song were initially donated to UNICEF.  Rod's foray into disco wasn't all that bad, considering all the other horse-crap that came after it in 1978.  Not to mention, any Stones fan can hear the obvious influence of "Miss You" on the bass line break down in this song; and if you can't hear the 'Stones influence in this one, maybe try looking for it in Jimmy Fallon's "Idiot Boyfriend".

4) The Monkees - Last Train to Clarksville
Hey, hey, they're the Monkees...keep in mind that Jimi Freakin' Hendrix once opened for them.  Any questions?  Sure, Jimi blew them off the stage and, yeah, I know they were a Nick at Nite phenomenon to most of us, but back in 1966, they were viewed as America's answer to the Beatles.  That's good enough to make this list.

5) The Commodores - Easy
Sure, it's a sappy ballad, but that's not why it made the list.  It made the list off straight-up awesome street-cred.  That's right, the boys of Faith No More covered the song and released it as a b-side during the studio sessions of Angel Dust, and it was later featured in an ad for Levi's jeans.  What?  Your songs need to be cooler than blue jeans to be featured in commercials?  Yeah, that's right...I didn't think so.  Moving on.

6) Neil Diamond - Forever in Blue Jeans
Speaking of the Jewish Elvis, I DO need to add him to this list.  "Forever in Blue Jeans" is one of many songs in in which Neill sings about the physical act of love and how to incorporate it into your life.  If you don't like that, well, your love might just be on the rocks.  I'll move on.

7) ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man
Many will argue that ZZ Top's best album musically was Tres Hombres, or maybe even Deguello, and if you're a big fan of blues guitar and awesomeness, then maybe you're right.  But, if you like 30's style hot rods, early MTV, ladies in videos, and beards, then you liked Eliminator. 
But, as entertaining as the "Legs" and "Gimme All Your Lovin" videos were, it's this cover of Sharp Dressed Man by an awsomely-over-the-top wedding band that entertains us the most,  and inspires the #7 spot on our Top 10 list.  Sweet Jesus, that drummer is pretty much the bossest, most hard core, awesomest som' bitch this side of the Mississippi.  And also, where can I get a gold, glittered coat?

8) The Bangles - Hazy Shade of Winter
Sure, most of you are probably aware of the original by Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel, recorded in 1966.  But I'm not talking about that one.  Sure it's great, but can you really tell me that the original is better than the cover done by the Bangles in 1987 for the film Less Than Zero.  Go ahead...I'm so confident that it's superior, that I'll wait.  Yeah, Susanna Hoffs is the one that dazzles your mind's eye while humping your ear vag.  If that imagery was too graphic for you just now, then this track was probably too much for you back in '87. 

9) The Bee Gees - Jive Talkin'
This song hit the charts in the summer of '75, and was largely regarded as their "comeback hit" after their success of the late 60's & early 70's.  If only critics knew what was headed their way on the Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack (along with John Travolta's hair and underpants'd torso).  Though the Bee Gees are mostly remembered for their contributions to that Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, they did have earlier music that topped the charts, and this particular song hit #5 on the UK charts.  Think I'm Jive Talkin'? Hey, screw you.  Ok, that was a dumb joke.  I'm sorry.

10) Blue Oyster Cult - The Red & The Black
The opening track off the 1973 album Tyranny and Mutation by Blue Oyster Cult, it's a re-titled, re-recorded version of the band's "I'm On The Lamb But I Ain't No Sheep", from their first studio album.  They were referred to as the American Black Sabbath for a reason, as they rocked the shit out of this one, along with many more, on their way to being known as the band to inspire the SNL sketch "More Cowbell". 
FYI, they also toured with the ACTUAL Black Sabbath in 1980 as part of the Black & Blue Tour, so in case you were doubting their chops, well...chops they certainly do have.  Even if the famous-ness of those chops faded after "Burnin' For You" and all you remember is that you could've used a little more cow bell.

The Greasy Sax Guy from Lost Boys got a Spin Off?!?

If you're like me, then you know that a good sax solo can turn any normal song into a soundtrack for lovemakin'. This guy obviously lives by those words. Careless Whisper never sounded so good.

House Shopping is Sexier In Australia
Probably Because It's Done Down Under
(Honks bicycle horn, pie in face, nut shot, ta-da!)

This is an ad for a home up for sale in Australia. While it's a very creative way to draw attention to the property, they'd never get away with that here. All the pansy Christian groups and Parents for Shitty TV would complain and they'd take it off the air. But I must say, for a commercial, it's not bad. Although it's hastily cut to together and is shot in the same shaky-cam way they do The Bourne Identity films, it's still pretty effective. Actually, I'm not sure if I want to buy this house or fuck it.

Bob Dylan Wants Charles In Charge Of Him

Regardless of what you think of Jimmy Fallon, he was always a great impressionist, and he's displayed those talents on his show, with Niel Young probably being the most popular (clip here).
But recently, he's kicked it up a notch with a Charlie Sheen (clip) and last night Bob Dylan singing the theme to Charles in Charge (clip).
I think Jimmy has officially made up for Taxi, that abortion of a movie with Queen Latifa. (Editor's note: I want to combine her name into one mega name and call her LaQueefa...who's with me?)