11 Corporate Mascots I Would Totally Get It On With

In honor of Valentine's Day, the holiday that celebrates all that is love, I thought I'd take a look at the physical side of our favorite emotion. So, heres a list of corporate icons or mascots that I would totally get to know, in the biblical sense.
-The Chiquita Banana Girl - She's Latin and she likes bananas. Need I say more?
-Mrs. Butterworth - Ooohhh, the way she's all gooey and sprawled all over my blueberry eggo waffles...I can tell she wants me. Yeah, I know you want me to leggo my eggo and take you in my arms, you sexy-syrup vixen. Mmmm, its time for a healthy breakfast!
-The Snuggle Fabric Softener Bear - He's all soft and you know sometimes you just wanna snuggle afterwards? Well....
-Sara Lee & Betty Crocker - If these ladies are half as good in the sack as they are in the kitchen, I got a feeling I'll be hungering for seconds. Ohh, its a supper time menage'.
-The E-Surance Girl - That frisky little minx! She battles robots and saves me money on my car insurance, and laps applesauce off my junk. Nice.
-The Michelin Man - He's all big and burley and he's ribbed for my pleasure. C'mon, you're telling me that if you were both locked in a room for a night with a bottle of wine and some candles and the Michelin Man looked at you and said "Let's do this" you wouldn't give him a test drive? Thats what I thought.
-The Hamburger Helper Hand - I'm not sure how many of you remember this little asexual corporate mascot, but it's basically just a hand with a face; which is awesome for hook-up purposes because when you have a face on your hand, even an HJ is basically a BJ. Its a two for one!
-The Coppertone Girl - First of all, let me start by saying that I am not advocating the getting it on with minors accompanied by puppy dogs. I don't mean the coppertone girl as you are thinking, a 5 year old girl with a doggy tugging at her shorts...keep in mind that ad is years old, so the actual coppertone girl is probably in her 40's or 50's now. I'm talking coppertone girl in her prime...early 20's, with her golden tan and blonde hair. Heck, the dogs already trying to take her pants off for ya, it's pretty much go time. Go ahead, picture the copertone girl at age 23 and tell me your not mildly aroused.
The Hamburgler - If I was in prison, and I had to pick a cellmate, it'd be the Hamburgler. Think about it, he's got an assortment of buns you can stick it in, and his name's "Hamburgler" so you know he's hungry for beef. It's either him or the Cookie Crook from Cookie Crisp cereal, and I don't think he'd be very gentle.
The Talking Tub of Margerine from the Parkay Commercials - With all that "Parkay/Butter" arguing going on, I just wanna give that little piece of tupperwear the business. Is that wrong? Yeah. It probably is.
Happy Valentine's Day.

The 2007 Grammy Awards

The 2007 Grammy Awards took place tonight and they had a little something for everybody. I'll start off saying that as I write this, I'm stuffed up like hell, and we're getting a mini-blizzard, so I'm a little grumpy. That means I'm not sugar-coating anything, only my honest opinion. Here goes.
The show started off well enough...Morris Day and the mother fucking Time, singing Jungle Love. I swear, Morris Day and his smooth pimp-man-servant Jerome should be national heroes. They were doing just fine, then the producers decided to toss in a song about umbrellas and it basically went down hill. What the hell is she doing on stage? She wasn't in Purple Rain!! My friend Chuck Deuce said it right when I got this text: "this stupid fuckin' whore ruined everything." Well said, Deuce.
Think about this...a song about an umbrella won a grammy. What has happened to pop music? I remember when Jermaine Stewart was telling me I didn't have to take my clothes off to have a good time; when El Debarge was telling me to dance to the beat of the rhythm of the night, and Janet Jackson wanted us all to be part of a rhythm nation. Now? Some dumb bitch needs a fucking umbrella. Fuck me.
The next performance was Kanye West. Is anyone else as excited about Kanye West as Kanye West is? What the hell was that anyway? With the lights and the glowing sun-glasses...it was like a hip-hop version of Tron; or a rejected segment from the Michael Jackson/Captain EO Exhibit at Epcot. Fuck him.
Kanye won the grammy for best rap album and for most shallow tribute to a dead relative, saying his dead mom, (who died from complications from elective cosmetic surgery) wants him to be the number one selling artist and she's watching him from heaven to ensure he does that. Then he mocked a fellow grammy nominee (Common) and told him not to release records the same year as him. What a jack bag.
Fergie sang a ballad. Hey Fergie, why don't you go stick to shaking your heiney in rap videos, because you can't sing. And do we really need another girl with a hot body and a weird, distorted face? What the hell are you, anyway, a centaur? My penis is confused. Please stop.
It was nice to see the Beatles get some recognition for "All You Need Is Love"...not a bad concept, actually. I could use some love right now.
Did anyone think Beyonce's ass looked a little bigger than usual? I don't think I'm ready for that jelly.
Tina Turner just joined Beyonce on stage and she's starting to look her age. Don't get me wrong, Tina rocks! But I'm pretty sure she's in her mid-80's now and wears Depends...she should stop rollin' on the river before she breaks a hip.
I'm not positive, but it looks like Aretha Franklin is morphing into the mom from tv's "Good Times".
However, she kicked some ass even doing a gospel set, which makes me think that I'd probably be more religious if I went to a black church as a child; they're very upbeat, everybody's dancing and singing and having fun. In white churches, kids are trying to stay awake and not get fondled during confession.
Amy Winehouse performed via satellite and was pretty good. I'm not sure if Amy was drunk or not; but I don't think she was sure if she was drunk or not, so it worked out for us all.
Finally, just before the nasty weather knocked out our cable, I saw John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Little Richard do a medley.
Jerry Lee looked like he didn't know where he was and he may or may not have just pooped his pants. Little Richard looks the same as always...kinda like the sassy black neighbor from "227". Anyone else remember that show?
As for me, I'm happy the Foos won Rock Album of the Year, Morris Day & the Time kicked ass, and there was a Jason Bateman sighting. Anyone else excited for a possible "Hogan Family" Reunion Show?
Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm gonna go sneeze and pull a muscle in my back.
Good night & sleep tight.

Northern Exposure

It is a sad, sad day here in New England. The beloved, and once mighty and proud Patriots are just a group of sad, depressed, limp dick Super Bowl losers.
Oh well. Let's move on.
I am here in Maine, the northeastern-est state in the country! I came up here to work with Brad (Lumpy) at his plumbing company. Yes, I am enjoying it. No, I do not have a plumber's crack yet. I don't think I have the "physique" necessary to develop one; though I have been a victim of Brad's on occasion.
I've also noticed quite a few funny things since I've been here, so I thought I'd share some of those.
Maine has the toughest DUI laws of any state in the union. However, they do not seem to be very effective, as they also have the highest DUI rate per capita of any state in the Union. Go figure.
To assist in bringing down the number of DUI's, they do absolutely nothing at all, by selling not just beer in most gas stations and grocery stores, but hard liquor as well.
So you can fill up your tank with unleaded, and get rip-roaring tanked with Jack Daniels at the same time. Dangerous, yet convenient.
On the job site I am currently working, a guy was sent home for showing up intoxicated. Not just a little tipsy, but word-slurringly, fucked-right-sideways drunk. At 8:00 am. On a Monday morning.
In his defense, it was Martin Luther King Day, so maybe he was thinking he wasn't gonna have to work, so he had 30 or so cocktails with breakfast, and got surprised when the boss called and said to come in. But, then again, maybe he's just a raging alcoholic.
Raging alcoholic is probably the more accurate answer. I'm not making any accusations that Mainers drink a lot, but I stopped at a convenience store on my way to work at 7:30 am the other day, and the guy in front of me, dressed in a shirt & tie, bought the following items:
-a blue-berry nutra-grain bar
-a banana
-two 16oz. Budweiser tallboys
Well, at least he was wearing a tie.
Lumpy and I were talking to a guy today who's from "up north", which means he's basically from Canada. He said the girls up there are a masculine, down-to-earth type, not concerned with make up, fashion, modern dentistry, or waist size. He also, mentioned a few pick up lines:
"Hey there, sugar.....thats a lovely tooth you got there....wanna wrestle?"
And:
"Excuse me for noticing, but for a girl your size, you sure don't sweat as much as I expected.....wanna hunt moose?"
The level of "freedom of speech" is interesting. Everyone curses. At stores, restaurants, bars, in houses, in businesses, probably in churches ("Jesus Fuckin' Christ was so wicked awesome, if you don't praise Him, you gotta be retahrded or some shit!).
Also, apparently, the FCC doesn't know about Maine. Just the other morning, on the radio, I heard the following joke:
"Did you hear about the big fight at the gay bar last night? They went outside and exchanged blows."
Funny? Sure. Offensive to homosexuals? You bet! But since there aren't any here, they can get away with it. There also aren't too many people here with complexions darker than mine. Yes, I can count on 1 hand the number of black people I've seen in the town I live in. I saw three latin guys the other day, but they drove up from Mass for the week. I heard a rumor about a Jew somewhere outside of town, but no one's actually seen him, so we're not sure if its true.
I don't think its so lacking in ethnic diversity because of racism. I think its that there isn't anything to attract anyone foreign or of foreign decent, so they just don't come here.
Whatever the reason, I have to say I've never been so happy to turn on a radio and not hear anyone screaming "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, IT'S YA BOY AT THE CLUB, ITS GOIN' DOWN THIS WEEKEND, YA HERRRRD ME?!?!"
The music stations play rock, modern rock, classic rock, soft rock, soft classic rock, alternative rock, and then there is a country station and a blues station. I think theres a station that plays some pop, but they mix it in with adult contemporary rock, so its not so bad. And I think its required by the state that all radio stations play at least 47 Led Zeppelin songs a day. They freakin' love their Led Zep wicked hard!
Anyway, I live in a 3 bedroom house on a lake. About 25 feet from the lake, actually. We have a dock and a (currently frozen) private beach. And the second floor has a wrap-around deck. I won't lie, its pretty awesome.
If anyone wants to visit, we're about 5 minutes off Federal Highway/US 1, so just get on US 1, and go north for 2 days. Then make a left. Go over the train tracks that have no guard rail and no warning lights whatsoever (Why am I the only person worried about this? Railroad Safety is a huge issue affecting America and trains are big and dangerous!!!).....we're the last house on the street.....13.
So come on out and stop by.....see you soon!